Perfection
by bathdave
Summary: "They weren't okay and no words could change that." "Everyone is always perfect because it changes so often yet it is always the same. Perfection is whatever you want it to be." High school. AU. Trigger warning.
1. Pilot

_I could not give this chapter a good name so enjoy 'Pilot'. Original, I know. Also, it is rated M but there shall be no smut as I cannot write it. It may have other mature themes, though, so that justifies my M rating and if it doesn't comply, later on, then I shall change it.  
_

* * *

**ONE  
PILOT**

* * *

Dean Winchester walked into his first class for his senior year at Lawrence High School. Dean had grown up in Lawrence but when he was four his mother, Mary, was diagnosed with anaplastic thyroid cancer and died six months later. Dean's father, John, couldn't deal with the grief and spent the next fourteen years moving around the country, getting odd jobs here and there. What people at Lawrence High School didn't know was that Dean was actually turning nineteen. He was repeating the 12th grade. When Dean turned eighteen he, his father and his little brother, Sam, were in a small town in Iowa called Greenfield. They were meant to stay there for two months but their visit was cut short when John was in a car crash and passed away two days later. Dean and Sam went to stay with their father's closest friend and surrogate uncle, Bobby, in Sioux Falls. Dean applied to become Sam's legal guardian shortly afterwards and was accepted. Dean and Sam finished their last two months of school at Roosevelt High School but Dean failed his senior year having not studied or done any work because of the major disruption in his life. He decided that he would finish high school to set an example for Sam and, subsequently, was. In July Sam and Dean moved to a small house in Lawrence which they bought with their inheritance and began their new lives.

As Dean walked into his class he felt like all eyes were on him. The teacher greeted him and introduced him to the class. Not one of them looked even remotely friendly. Dean walked to the back of the room and sat at an empty desk. He started to drift off but was woken ten minutes later by another student coming in. Dean glanced up and saw a boy standing at the front of the room. He looked fragile, like he didn't belong in school. It was as though he should be doing so much more, he _could _be doing so much more, but he was just stuck at the front of a classroom in Kansas, being introduced to people who don't care about him. He was wearing slacks and a woollen jumper which was odd for the warm weather but Dean shrugged it off because he, himself, was wearing jeans and a leather jacket. The boy held his arms tight by his side and his legs together. He stared at the floor so Dean could only see his hair covering his forehead.

"This is our other new student, Castiel Novak," the teacher smiled at the boy and he replied with a small, fake one to please her.

Castiel walked to the back of the room and sat next to Dean. He kept his head down the whole time. Dean looked over at the boy who was sitting awkwardly with his knees together and feet apart, arms still by his sides.

"Hey," Dean whispered.

Castiel looked over and pushed his hair out of his face, revealing a pair of stunning, diamond blue eyes.

"Hi," he replied. The boy had quite a deep, gravelly voice but spoke quietly as though he didn't want to be heard.

"I'm Dean. I'm new here, too."

"Where're you from?"

"Everywhere. What about you?"

"I used to go to Free State High."

"Oh, cool."

Castiel shrugged and turned to his work, signalling the end of the conversation. Dean went back to sleep and woke when he heard someone say his name softly.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?" He said, looking up at Castiel who was standing over his desk.

"Class is over," he said using the same, quiet tone.

"Oh," Dean got up and picked up his text books that had not been used. He stood beside Castiel and they walked out.

"What do you have next?" Dean asked after about a minute of silence.

"English."

"Me too."

They continued in silence and sat beside each other in the next class. They hardly said a word to each other and Dean fell asleep, again. Castiel woke him up at the end of the lesson and they left. This continued throughout the whole day. They shared many of their classes and sat together in them, Castiel doing work and Dean procrastinating. At lunch Dean went looking for Sam. He found him in the cafeteria with a group of other students. He looked happy.

"How has your day been so far?" Dean asked, pulling him to the side and away from his new friends.

"Good, I've met a lot of new people. Everyone's so nice here, I'm glad we don't have to move away. I'm going over to Brady's after school so you don't have to drive me home."

"Will I have to pick you up from his house?"

"I can walk."

"Okay, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself here. Don't let people push you around like they used to."

"They won't, Dean. Trust me, I'm fine."

Dean smiled at Sam one last time before leaving him to go back to his friends. Dean walked outside and sat behind the football stands. There was someone else there, at the other end. Dean looked at them and recognised them to be Castiel Novak.

"Cas!" He called out, "Over here!"

Castiel turned his head and saw Dean. He gave him a small smile and walked over.

"Hello, Dean," he said as he sat beside him, "what did you mean when you said that you were from 'everywhere'?"

Dean laughed at the way Castiel had phrased the question.

"My brother and my dad and I, we have moved around a lot, gone to heaps of schools."

"How long are you going to this one for?"

"Hopefully until the end of the year. My travelling days are over."

Castiel gave a small smile.

"Why did you move schools from Free State?"  
"I, um," Castiel looked nervous. "I didn't like the people there."

"Oh,"

"There was not one nice soul in my whole year level."

"I thought it would be like that here until you showed up," Dean smiled.

"Thank you," Castiel mumbled while smiling and looking down at his hands.

"So, um, do you have any family at this school?"

"No."

"Oh, okay. I have a little brother. Sammy. He's a sophomore."

"My siblings in high school go to Free State."

"Oh, yeah. That'd make sense. How many siblings do you have?" Dean asked, practically seeing how awkward this conversation was.

"Well, um," Cas shifted uneasily, "I used to have five."

"Oh," Dean murmured, "well, if you want to talk about it you can talk to me. I know what it's like to lose family."

"I'm fine. I've, uh, had time to adjust. Anyway, I had five older siblings. Michael and Lucifer are the oldest and twins, the next one is Raphael and then there was Anna, Gabriel and, lastly, me."

"Which one, um, died?"

"Gabriel. Two years ago. He was shot. I think it was an honourable death, though. Better than being lost at sea or killed by the mob in a dark alley. He was in a bank and there was a hold-up. Anyway, a man was going to be shot and his wife was crying and covering their children's eyes and Gabriel hit the guy with the gun and ended up being killed but at least he saved a family. He was a good person. He was my favourite brother and my only friend. I loved him so much; I just wish I got to tell him how much he meant to me."

"I'm sure he knew," Dean placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder and smiled gently, "and I bet you meant just as much to him."

"Thank you," Cas smiled sadly, "so, now that I've spilled my secrets, who did you lose?"

"Well, uh, when I was four my mother passed away and in February my dad died."

Castiel stared at Dean and then did something Dean would never have expected. He hugged him. Dean hadn't been hugged by anyone except for Sam for months and months, maybe years. Dean didn't fight it, though. He hugged back because sometimes all you need is someone to talk to. Someone who won't try to convince you that it's okay because it isn't. Dean and Sam were orphans and they weren't fine with that, no matter how much they pretended. They weren't okay, maybe never would be. A few words from someone won't change that but, sometimes, all you need is a hug.

Cas pulled away, "thank you for sharing that with me, Dean. I know that it must have been hard."

Dean smiled at Cas and they sat in comfortable silence for the rest of lunch.

* * *

That afternoon Dean asked Cas if he wanted to go to a diner near Dean and Sam's house to 'hang out'. Castiel accepted.

They sat down in the diner and placed their orders.

"I'll have a piece of pie," Dean smiled.

"And what do you want, sweetie?" The waitress asked, referring to Castiel.

"Um, I won't have anything, I'm not hungry."

"Alrighty," she said as she left, taking their menus.

"Come one, man! You've gotta have some pie."

"I'm not hungry at the moment."

"But pie!"

"If it is as good as you say it is then can I have a bite of yours?"

"Uh, a tiny bit. Just so you can experience the pie they have here."

Cas gave a small smile and they continued speaking up until Dean's pie arrived.

Dean cut a small piece off the edge and offered it to Castiel.

Castiel ate it, "you're right, this is amazing."

"See! Best pie in town."

"If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the restroom."

Dean laughed at Cas' wording choice, again. "Go ahead."

* * *

Dean learnt a lot about Castiel in the weeks that followed. He learnt that his favourite colour is dark blue and he listens to punk rock and classical music which, he knows, is an odd combination. He isn't particularly close with any of his remaining brothers but he and his sister, Anna, get along well. Gabriel was one year older than Cas, Anna is eight years older, Raphael is ten years older and Michael and Lucifer are fifteen years older than Castiel. When Castiel was two his father disappeared and was presumed dead. Lucifer couldn't take it anymore and ran off. Michael went looking for him and found him two states over. Michael convinced Lucifer to return and he did but he wouldn't stay in the family's house anymore so he became emancipated and lived in an apartment nearby. Dean learnt that Cas' mother is very timid and works the night shift as a nurse. Dean also noticed things about Cas. He is never hungry and feels the cold easily. His brothers all play a lot of sport but he doesn't do any. He hates PE and skips every class. He wants a dog. He reads a lot. He won't let anyone take his picture and he doesn't like parties.

Dean wasn't as open, though. He didn't tell Castiel that he had already been a senior. He didn't tell Castiel that he had been to over forty schools before. He didn't tell Castiel that he works at the local mechanic because he and Sam need the money and they have no-one to provide for them. He didn't tell Castiel that he and Sam live alone in a tiny house. And he didn't tell Castiel what his childhood was like. Cas didn't need to know everything, yet.

Dean did speak to other students, though. Well, other students spoke to Dean. A lot of girls would come up to him and invite him to parties because they were, apparently, attracted to his physique. Dean was strong after years of doing manual labour with his father. Dean always brushed off the party invitations because he had to look after Sam. Sam claimed that he didn't need to be cared for 24/7 but Dean disagreed. Looking after Sam was his job. It always had been and it always would be. What Sam didn't know was what happened the last time Dean and John spoke.

John was going to go out to a bar and leave Dean with Sam.

"Dean, look after your brother, like you usually do." He placed a hand on Dean's shoulder and gave him a small smile, "You're a good kid when you want to be."

"Thank you, sir," Dean had learnt to treat his father with respect.

John ruffled Dean's hair, "keep him safe."

"Why do you have to go?"

"I want to go out; do you have a problem with that? Oh no! I should just stop whatever I'm doing when you aren't happy, right? I forgot that we live in Deanland. Our last name is actually Dean. I am John Dean. You are Dean Dean, it isn't original, I know, I'm sorry. Sam Dean is in the shower but that doesn't matter! Nothing anyone does matters unless they are _you_. You see that bright light up in the sky? That's you! So, because you, The Great Dean, don't want me to go out, I won't. I will just sit here playing with my hands. Go out! Have fun! Do whatever you want, master, because I am here to serve you," John stared at Dean angrily.

"That's not what I meant. You should stay home, we never see you anymore."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Sorry for leaving you in the lurch and forcing you to look after Sam, sorry for not being the best dad, sorry for going out all the time and sorry for snapping at you just then."

"It's okay, dad. It isn't your fault."

"You really are a great kid. I'll tell you what; I'll go out but only for an hour. Then we can all watch TV and be a family and Alice will make us dinner."

"Alice?"

"The Brady Bunch! Keep up, boy!"

Dean laughed and hugged his dad.

"So, look after Sam while I'm gone."

Dean didn't realise just how long he'd be gone for.

* * *

"Can I stay at Chuck's house on Friday night?"

It was a Wednesday afternoon in October and Dean and Sam were driving home from school.

"Will I have to pick you up on Saturday?"

"I can probably walk home. He lives relatively close to us."

"_Relatively close?_ That sounds like such a Cas thing to say."

"Yeah, yeah. Can I go on Friday?"

"Sure."

* * *

On Thursday morning, Dean arrived at school with Sam. Once Sam had scurried off to class, a cheerleader approached Dean.

"Hello, Dean. Bela," she said, gesturing to herself and sticking a hand out for him to shake. It was an odd gesture but he rolled with it.

"What do you want?" Dean eyed her suspiciously.

"What do I want? Can't I just have a friendly conversation with you?"

"What do you want?"

"Well, now that you mention it, Gordon Walker is throwing a party on Friday night and I would like you to come."

"Uh, I don't know-"

"You're coming."

"Well…my brother will be away…so I guess I could go…for a little bit."

"Good. Pick me up at nine."

"Pick you up? We," Dean said, pointing to the space between them, "are not friends. We are not going together."

"Pick me up at nine."

"No. You can't play your little mind games with me. I am gonna go to the party and I am gonna go alone. If you are there when I arrive then you are there when I arrive. I couldn't give two shits either way. We are not arriving together, though. Got it?" Dean walked off before she had time to answer.

* * *

Friday rolled around and Dean arrived at the party. It was crowded and stuffy. Bela walked up to him straight away. It's 10. You were meant to be here at 9. With me."

"Well that's not how it panned out."

"I am the hottest girl in the school, you will listen to me. Okay?"

"What makes you the hottest? What makes you better looking than everyone else? Who gets to define beauty? Beauty is defined by individuals not society. I can choose who I think is beautiful. Everyone might think it's perfect to have no freckles on your nose and everyone will accept that as perfect. If you have three freckles on your nose you are subpar. Then what if, one day, a famous model who society thinks is beautiful has three freckles on her nose. Everyone believes that it is now perfect to have three freckles on your nose. The person who was shunned for her tri-freckled nose is now hailed. Why couldn't everyone just realise that she was always perfect? Everyone is always perfect because perfection changes so often yet it is always the same. Perfection is whatever you want it to be."

"Stop being Sigmund fucking Freud. Next time I tell you to pick me up, you pick me up. I could have asked any other guy and they would have complied."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that the world revolved around you. Everything that you say, goes. Welcome to Belaland! Population: seven billion. Everyone's last name is Bela. I am Dean Bela. You are Bela Bela, unfortunate name, I know. You know that bright light that's in the sky during the day? That's you! I am dreadfully sorry that I didn't pick you up, my queen. Please accept my humblest apologies," Dean began to bow but stopped midway.  
He couldn't do this anymore. Dean turned around and walked out. He arrived at his car and sat down in it, a sobbing heap. He held his phone in his shaking hands and dialled a number. It picked up.

"Hello? Castiel? It's me, Dean. I can't do it. He's gone. He's gone and why did he leave. I can't do this, I'm just a kid. WHY IS HE MAKING ME DO THIS? I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH FOR GOING OUT AND DYING ON US. WE RELIED ON HIM. I just miss him so much and I will never see him again. What if he is forgotten? He deserves better than to be remembered by only two people, one of whom will probably be an alcoholic, one day. WHY DID HE GO?"

"Dean, calm down. Where are you?"

"Um," Dean sniffed, "the corner of College Boulevard and Yale Road."

"Okay, so not too far away. Don't go anywhere, I'm walking over."  
"No, Cas. You don't have to."

"Yes I do."

Castiel hung up before Dean could get another word in.

'How did I get so lucky?' Dean thought, 'Cas is such a great friend. I don't deserve him.'

Castiel arrived 10 minutes later. He opened the car door and pulled Dean out. He locked it afterwards and walked with Dean to a small bit of park where no-one went, guiding Dean along the way.

"Why are we going here, Cas?"

"You need to relax. This is where I would go when I was sad."

"Cas, I feel like such a bad person."

"No."

"I'm a bad person."

"No, you aren't."

"Yes I am. I have been keeping secrets. I have been lying to you."

"I'm sure it isn't as bad as you think, Dean."

"No, I am a liar. I'm nineteen and I failed every subject last year. Also, Sam and I don't live with our uncle. It's just us. I am his guardian. I work at the garage because we're poor and can't live off inheritance forever. I have been lying to you and I didn't want you to judge me."

"Why would I judge you because of that? You are smart and I'm sure you would have been able to pass easily if you tried. You are a good person Dean. You care for Sam and are doing everything you can to keep him in a stable home."

Castiel hugged Dean and Dean hugged Castiel. They sat there in silence, still intertwined, just feeling calm, understanding, friendship and a feeling they can't quite place wash over them. Everything was perfect but, as Dean said earlier, everything will always be perfect.

* * *

_Thank you all so much for reading this. Also, I will do a little bit of Castiel's perspective in the next chapter.  
_


	2. I Miss You

**TWO  
I MISS YOU**

* * *

Dean and Castiel sat at the park until midnight, talking for a bit but it was mostly just silence. A quiet understanding that neither of them were fine but they fine with that. There's nothing wrong with being sad. It's okay to not be okay.

On Monday, Castiel gave Dean a CD and a piece of paper just as school finished. Cas walked off and Dean looked down at the items in his hands.

The CD said '_For When You're Sad' _in Castiel's neat handwriting. The paper was the track listing for the disc. Dean felt so many emotions looking at the gifts, Castiel had done all this _just for him_.

* * *

Dean sat at home with an old CD player, he put the disc in and pressed play. When I'm Gone started playing.

_And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn. Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice. Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling and I didn't feel a thing, so baby don't feel no pain. Just smile back._

The song finished.

Was John in heaven? Was he with Mary? Maybe he was finally happy, finally at peace. After fourteen years of searching he was home. Reunited with Mary. Why should Dean be upset if John wasn't?

The third song stated to play.

_Oh, my agony. Know that I will never marry. Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo but counting down the days to go. It just ain't living and I just hope you know that if you say goodbye today I'd ask you to be true because the hardest part of this is leaving you. Because the hardest part of this is leaving you._

But what about his mother? She never got to see her sons grow up. She never heard Sam speak. Sam couldn't even remember her. She was such a great mother but she didn't get to nurture her sons.

The CD kept on playing, Castiel was right about which songs would tug on Dean's heartstrings.

Goodbye To You especially. _I can see the stars as a cold wind greets the air and will you think of me up there? How can I say goodbye to you? And paint the stains of the teardrops down my face or feel the chill of your warm embrace. How can I say goodbye to you? _

Would they actually be thinking of Dean? Maybe they couldn't even remember him. He might just be a distant memory. They would have more important things to pay attention to. Heaven seemed like a busy place.

Dean was crying now. He was sitting alone in a bedroom of a small house in Lawrence, crying. No-one knew he was crying and no-one would ever know. He was all alone. Not just in the room but in life. He had Sam, of course, but Sam was making friends and having fun and, it seemed like to Dean, moving on. He was growing up. He wouldn't need Dean anymore. Dean didn't know what he'd do with his life when Sam was gone. Would he do anything? Would he just sit at home waiting for the little brother he once had to call him? They would speak once a week and see each other at Christmas. Dean didn't want to live like that. He _needed _family. He had to look after someone, it was in his nature.

* * *

In another house, at the same time, a different boy was crying. This boy was in his room. The door was locked. I Miss You by Blink-182 was playing. He stood in his room, looking at himself in the mirror. The tears kept flowing. This boy was Castiel Novak. Cas stepped away from the mirror and picked up a picture of Gabriel he had in his room.

"Why did you have to go to the bank that day? I miss you so much, Gabe. I-I don't know if I can do this w-without you. You were the only one who helped me; you were the only one who cared. It gets worse every day and I can't do it. I hate myself and then I hate myself even more for letting it get this bad. I can't do anything right, Gabe. I want to see you again.

"Sometimes," Castiel sniffed, "I imagine what it would be like to die. To have it all end, to be at peace, to see you again, to leave this godforsaken body. I just want to see you again. I just want to talk to you and have you reply. I miss you so much Gabriel and I can't do it. Every single day I think about it, about dying. But then I stop myself because Dean needs me and Mum would be so upset to have lost her husband and two of her sons, even if I am the least favourite and the smallest and the ugliest and the fattest. It's selfish to want to die so badly but I am selfish and horrible and I don't deserve half of what I have.

"I am so sorry, Gabriel, for putting my burden on you. But you listen, even now it feels like you're here and listening and I miss you so much. Why did you have to go to the bank that day? People aren't as bad at my new school. I even have a friend. Maybe they aren't picking on me because they don't know. Once they find out, I'm sure they'll hate me too. They'll call me a 'girl' because they think that being a female is a bad thing when, in actual fact, it's a normal thing. More than half the people on Earth are women. It's not like there's something wrong with that many people. There's nothing wrong with being a girl. I just hate that they use that as an insult. It hurts and not because of what they're saying, but because of what they want to say. They want to upset me and they're succeeding.

"I am just so ashamed. How could I let this happen? I am so fat and ugly. Why me? I will be skinny one day, Gabe. I will never be strong, like Dean and Michael and Raphael and Lucifer, but I can be skinny if I work hard enough. I need to stop eating. I don't deserve to eat. I _can't_ eat. Eating will make it worse. I am just so fat. How could I let this happen to myself? I am such a horrible person, Gabe, and I'm so sorry for forcing my problems on you. You deserve better than me for a brother."

Castiel put down the photograph and wiped his tears. He sat in silence in his room until his face had cleared up. He walked downstairs, it was dinner time.

"Hello, sweetie," Castiel's mother smiled, "we're having pasta tonight."

"Okay, don't give me much, I'm not hungry."

* * *

_For those of you who haven't realised, Castiel has an eating disorder. Review and you will be given a virtual hug for free__!*_

_*not free._

_**probably won't receive hug. _


	3. Basket Case

_I would have finished this much sooner but my computer crashed and I lost this chapter. I have no idea why I didn't save it considering I saved all my others while working on them...anyway, this chapter is named after Basket Case by Green Day. I think the name and a lot of the lyrics in the song fit the part of the chapter that is from Cas' POV very well but I don't know, you tell me. If you haven't heard Basket Case I suggest you listen to it now. It's a good, classic, Green Day song. This chapter could be triggering if you have an eating disorder or self harm. You have been warned. Enjoy._

* * *

**THREE  
BASKET CASE**

* * *

Dean arrived at school one day in November to see that Castiel was absent. Dean sat down in the back of his class, alone, and started playing with his pen, flicking it between two of his fingers on his right hand.

"Hi," a girl said as she sat beside Dean, "you must be Dean."

Dean put his pen down, "yeah, uh, hey."

"I'm Jo."

"Hi, Jo."

She had blonde hair and big brown eyes.

"How're you liking Lawrence so far?"

"It's fine, yeah. I was born here but moved away when I was young. Are you from Lawrence?"

"Born and raised in Nebraska, actually. Moved here two years ago with my mother. My mum took over the family business, she owns the roadhouse."

"Harvelle's! I've actually been there to…not…drink alcohol."

"What happened to your friend?"

"Cas? He's sick, I think."

"Oh, poor thing. You tell him to get well soon, you hear me?"

"Yeah, sure. I hope he does. School's so boring without him. I don't like anyone else. Well, except you and my brother but I only met you just now."

"Well, if you want, you can come and sit with my friends and I at lunch."

"You sure about that?"

"Positive."

And so, at lunchtime, Dean did sit with Jo. He met her friends Garth, Benny, Ash and Meg.

Garth was lanky and always smiled, Benny looked fierce but you could tell that he was a softy if you got to know him, Ash had a killer mullet and was a whiz with computers and maths and Meg was impatient but she always stood up for her friends and was incredibly loyal. Dean enjoyed spending time with them but they he missed the bond he and Cas had. Castiel seemed to understand what Dean was going through and didn't press Dean to talk about his feelings when he didn't want to. Cas just seemed to get Dean in a way Dean didn't think anyone else could.

* * *

As Dean sat at lunch Cas sat in bed at home. He had woken up with severe hunger pains so he told his mother he had a stomach ache and she allowed him to stay home. Castiel was reading a book he had just bought. _The Fault in Our Stars_ by John Green. He was half way through. Augustus seemed like a lovely boy, but he was nothing compared to Dean. Tall, perfect, caring Dean. Cas put his bookmark in the book and walked downstairs. _It wouldn't hurt to have some chips, would it? _Cas grabbed the packet and sat down in front of the TV. A show about two brothers called Shane and Dan who hunted demons was just starting. The older brother, Dan, was obviously in love with their angel friend. The opening credits began and Cas started eating the chips.

Two hours later Cas looked around at the wrappers around him. _How could you have done this? You ate everything. You are just going to get fatter and uglier and worse and everyone will hate you more than they already do. _He grabbed all the wrappers and shoved them in the bin. He looked down at himself. _Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. _It chanted in his head over and over again. _Fat. Fat. Fat. How could you have eaten everything? You are so fucking weak. Failure. I can't believe I am stuck as __you__. _Cas ran into the bathroom and drank some water. He leant over the toilet bowl and stuck two fingers down his throat. He purged until it hurt, drank some more water and started again. Eventually all that came up was yellow bile. Castiel stopped and flushed. He walked over to the sink and brushed his teeth. He poured a small cup of mouthwash and rinsed his mouth out. Cas looked in the mirror and saw tears running down his cheeks. _When did I start crying? Stop crying. Guys aren't allowed to cry. It's bad enough that you are so fat, you don't have to give them another reason to hate you._

Castiel walked into his room and picked up the pencil sharpener from his desk. He reached into a drawer and pulled out a tiny screwdriver that he kept there for situations like this. He tried to take the little screw out of his sharpener but the screwdriver slipped from the screw. He tried again. And again. And again. It was in too tight. He couldn't get it out.

'_How can you not even do this? You are so. Fucking. Weak,'_ the voice in his head screamed, '_You are nothing but a burden. You are pathetic."_

Cas threw the sharpener against the wall in defeat and turned back to his desk. He picked up an old sharpener. It wasn't as sharp or new but it would do. He used this one every other time, anyway. He pulled the screw out with his fingers. This one didn't need a screwdriver because if how loose the screw already was. He walked into the bathroom carrying the blade, screw, screwdriver and sharpener case, stripped down and got into the shower. He washed his hair and relaxed. Castiel then reached for the blade which he had placed next to the conditioner bottle a few minutes earlier. He started slashing at his legs. He was crying and he could definitely feel it this time. He cut the top of his thighs on both legs, his right hip, his stomach and there were a few stray cuts on his arms but nothing that would raise suspicions if he had to take off his jumper.  
Castiel put the sharpener back together, walked up the stairs and sat on his bed. He picked up the book with shaking hands and read again, trying to relax. He had to be calm for when his family came home. _They can't know what happened. No-one can ever know. You will be alone with this your whole life but that's okay. You are used to being alone. You will be alone your whole life anyway because who could ever love someone like you?_

When the rest of his family came home, Cas had finished the book and what a sad book it was… Castiel grabbed one of his childhood favourites. Harry Potter. The boy who could never fit in.

* * *

Cas was absent for one more day after that. He had an apple for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, a salad for dinner and he didn't purge once. He was actually quite proud of himself but still ashamed over yesterday's binge, even if he had 'cleaned up his mess'. Dean and Cas sat under the bleachers at lunch.

"How are you, Cas?"

"I'm fine. I just had a stomach bug."

"Oh, shame. Are you all better now?"

"I'm recovering. Almost 100%."

"Well, get well soon. I missed you, Cas. You were right, there really is no-one else like us here. I did find some people close, though."

"You made some friends?"

"Yeah, I guess. You'll really like them. Jo, Garth, Benny, Ash and Meg. We can sit with them tomorrow. Meg really likes you, apparently."

"I have never met her."

"Do I have to spell it out for you? She has the hots for you."

Cas just looked at Dean with a blank expression.

"She likes you, sexually, man! I've never seen you with a girl before. She can be a bit of a bitch but I'm sure she'll be nice to you.

"Oh. Dean, I should probably tell you something about me. Will you promise not to be mad?"

"Well, I ain't promising anything if I don't know what you're gonna be telling me."

"Dean, I am homosexual."

"You're gay?"

Cas nodded.

"Alright. I guess that explains why I haven't seen you interested in chicks."

"You aren't angry?"

"Why would I be? It's not like you're a different person all of a sudden. I'll tell Meg to back off."

"Thank you, Dean," Cas gave him a small smile, "you're such a good friend. I feel like I don't deserve you."

Dean laughed at this and said, "Let's go and say hi to them."

"If you insist," Castiel said uneasily as he stood up.

Dean took Meg aside when they arrived and explained the situation to her.

"I know. I just think he's hot."

"You knew he was gay?"

"It's kind of obvious isn't it? He never looks at girls…he stares at guys… It isn't rocket science, Winchester."

Cas seemed to get along with the group but he looked to Dean for reassurance a lot. He seemed nervous around the new people but Cas was always nervous when he first spoke to others.

* * *

Dean and Sam sat eating pizza off the small table in the kitchen.

"So, Sammy," Dean said as he put his food down, "we've been here for four months, how do you like Lawrence?"

"It's great. Everyone is so nice."

"Are there any girls on your radar?"

Sam blushed at this and muttered, "Maybe."

"What's her name?"

"Madison."

"Is she cute?"

"Yeah. And she's so nice and amazing and perfect…how will she ever notice me?"

"I'm sure she already has, champ. Finish your pizza."

Sam finished eating, "I'm gonna go do my homework."

"Alright. Get some shut eye, I don't want you staying up all night and walking around brain-dead tomorrow. You do want this Madison to think you can form a coherent thought, right? Or maybe kids don't do that nowadays."

"You sure are getting old, Dean. You're turning fifty-seven next month, right?"

"Yep, spot on. You got me," Dean replied sarcastically.

Sam laughed and stood up from the table. He walked into his bedroom closed the door and sat down at his desk, ready to start his work.

Dean cleared the dishes from the table. '_When did I become so domesticised?' _Dean thought with a chuckle '_When I had to be.'_

* * *

_If you review this I will mail you a Kellin Quinn. You know you want it *raises and lowers eyebrows repeatledly*. Stay tuned for the next chapter 'Tales From Another Broken Home' which will have a CLIFFHANGER so yeah that's something to look forward to. I would reply to the reviews but I don't know what to say in return so I will just say thank you here. Thanks for reviewing and following and favouriting and just reading it. Thank you._


	4. Tales From Another Broken Home

**FOUR  
TALES FROM ANOTHER BROKEN HOME**

* * *

"What are you doing for your birthday?"

It was early December and Cas' birthday two weeks away.

"I don't know."

"You've gotta do something, though."

"What would I do? I've never had a birthday party before."

"You-"

"I don't want one, either. Who would come?" Cas sat there looking anxious as he played with the hem of his jumper.

"I would. And Jo would, and Garth and Benny and Meg would. Sam would, too. You guys get along well."

"That isn't a party, it's a small gathering."

"Then have a small gathering! Anything! You're turning eighteen; you can't spend your eighteenth birthday alone."

"Fine, I'll do something. What though?" He pulled on a loose string.

"I don't know, it's your birthday!"

"Can you do it for me? I don't care what you do but I can't," he stopped holding onto his jumper and looked up at Dean hopefully.

"Sure, you just tell me who you want there."

"I don't care who's there. You're my best friend, you're the only one who matters," Cas smiled at him and resumed picking at his jumper.

"Well, geez, Cas. Don't be too hostile," Dean joked.

And so, on the fifteenth, it was Cas' birthday. He hadn't heard any more about the 'small gathering' from Dean and wasn't sure if there was going to be any celebration. At two in the afternoon his phone rang.

"Hello?" Castiel answered.

"Cas," Dean's voice came through the phone.

"Hello, Dean."

"Happy birthday, your gathering is ready."

"You went ahead with it?"

"Of course I did! Like you said, you're my best friend; you're the only one who matters."

"That isn't _exactly_ what I said."

"I'm paraphrasing here, Cas. Roll with it."

"Okay, okay. What does this gathering entail?"

"Come to my house in about twenty minutes, okay? We'll be waiting."

"Who is 'we'?"

"Just be there," Dean ended the phone call with a click.

Castiel was left sitting in his bedroom, extremely confused. What had Dean been planning? He stood up and changed into clothes more suitable for a formal occasion than his tracksuit pants. He was now wearing a dark blue woollen jumper, a white button-up shirt and black jeans. Castiel arrived at Dean's house three minutes early and stood at the front door for a minute before ringing the doorbell. Castiel stood there for about ten seconds before he started to worry. _What if this was a prank? What if this is all a joke being played on me? Why did you believe you could ever have friends? You were just fooling yourself. You don't deserve happiness. Snap out of it. They won't come. No-one will. Ever. You are alone, Castiel. You will always be alone. _The door opened to reveal Dean dressed in a dark green t-shirt and stonewash jeans. He flashed Cas a smile and all his worries melted away, everything was going to be fine.

"Hey, Cas. Come in," he stepped away from the door, allowing Castiel to enter.

Castiel walked into the living room of Dean and Sam's house and saw Garth, Jo, Benny, Meg and Sam sitting down. They all turned to him and smiled.

_There are all these people here, for you! They actually give a damn about me! Oh my gosh. It's all lies. They are just pranking you. Getting your hopes up just to let you down._

"We're going to watch the first Harry Potter, that's your favourite movie, right?" Sam directed.

"Y-yeah. Thank you all so much," Cas

"You're turning eighteen, Cas. I had to do something you'd enjoy," Dean clapped him on the back and gestured for him to sit with the others.

Dean walked over to the fridge and pulled out a six pack of beer. He handed a bottle to everyone but Sam.

"Dean!"

"No."

"Please?"

"You aren't getting a beer so save your breath."

Sam pouted and pressed play. The film started and Cas felt inexplicable joy. _They all did this. For you! Dean even remembered what your favourite movie is! You mentioned it, what, a month ago? He remembered. Dean. He remembered your favourite film. Dean remembered!_

After the movie was over Sam put in the Chamber of Secrets and they watched that too. They finished at about seven thirty, gave Castiel his birthday presents and ate pizza which Dean had ordered near the end of the film. Cas even ate two slices. It really was the perfect afternoon.

"Okay. Food's finished. Now get out," Dean joked.

"See you at school, Castiel," Garth smiled.

"Happy birthday," Jo hugged Cas and they left. It was now just Dean, Sam and Cas.

"Thank you so much for this, Dean. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait, you aren't going anywhere. It's still your birthday, isn't it?"

"You can't get away from Dean's clutches that easily!" Sam joked as he went into his room.

"Let's go to the park!"

"I am not turning eight, Dean."

"Come on, Cas," Dean pleaded, "you are missing out on half of your gathering!"

Castiel sighed, "Fine, we can go to the park."

"We'll be home late, Sam. Don't wait up," Dean called out as he put on his jacket and went to get his keys.

"Let's walk?" Cas suggested.

Dean shrugged and went through the door, closing it after Cas was out.

"Are you religious?" Cas said as they walked along.

"I used to be. My mum would talk about angels and all that stuff and I believed her but after everything that's happened, if God is out there he isn't doing his job right."

"I feel like that sometimes. Like God isn't there and if he is he doesn't care but I haven't lost faith. I look for Him everywhere and in everything."

"All that searching must get tiring," Dean joked.

"Eighteen years old. I could leave home."

"You could do anything, Cas."

Cas seemed uncomfortable, "I'd miss you the most. You're the best friend I've ever had Dean. Thank you for everything."

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere. _If _I left I'd miss you."

"Thanks, uh, I'd miss you too," Dean smiled.

"May I inquire as to what we shall do here?" Cas whispered to Dean as they arrived, not wanting to disrupt the serenity of an empty park at night.

"No, you may not," Dean joked.

Cas began to walk to the left but Dean stopped him.

"No!"

"Wh-what?" Castiel was confused as to what Dean was so urgent about.

"L-let's not go that way. Um, let's go to the playground."

"Whatever," Castiel muttered as Dean grabbed his sleeve and pulled him along.

"I used to come here all the time before mum died. I would play on the swing while she sat with Sammy."

"I came here a few times with Gabe. Once he tried to dismantle the entire see-saw."

"Did it work?"

"Well, there's no see-saw anymore, so you tell me."

Dean laughed and sat down on the swing kicking his feet off the ground to start swinging slowly. Castiel sat beside him and they stared out into the empty park. There was a certain magic about parks at night. They become deserted and empty but the soul is still there. They still hold the memories of a thousand childhoods and lazy Sunday afternoons with friends. Dean and Cas swung back and forth and basked in the peace around them.

"Thank you, Dean."

"For what?"

"Thank you for being my friend, for throwing me a 'birthday gathering', for sharing your story with me. Thank you for everything."

"Thank you for being human? You deserved it, Cas. I know that people were shit to you before and I know that you don't like to talk about it but you didn't deserve any of that because you are an awesome guy and you shouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise."

"I- I'm sorry I haven't told you about why I left Free State. You should know and you have shared so much with me but I don't know h- how to tell you. I'm n- not good with people."

"It's fine, Cas, honestly. So, how are you enjoying being an official adult?"

"It is crazy, it really is. I am one day older than I was yesterday. Phenomenal," Cas joked.

"Did you know that the house Sam and I grew up in is still around? It went to my Aunty Kate after Mum and Dad…well, yeah. She's actually Dad's cousin, not sister, but they were close like siblings. She won't sell the house and she says that Sam and I can go and live there if we want but I don't know, there are too many memories. Kate is the only adult blood relative other than me that Dad had. She and her son, Adam, live just outside of Kansas City. We go and see them sometimes. Adam hasn't even come to see our new place, though, the little bastard," Dean laughed.

"Shameful," Castiel disapprovingly shook his head.

Dean pulled out an old flask and took a swig, "you thirsty, birthday boy?"

"Bloody hell, how much do you drink?"

"I don't know, I'm normally too drunk to remember."

"You're drunk right now?" Castiel was genuinely shocked, Dean seemed rather sober.

"Here's the thing, Cas. I'm always drunk. And my father was before me and his daddy before that, or something along those lines," Dean wasn't quite sure about the remark about his grandfather. John didn't like to talk about his father.

"Alcoholism, the family heirloom."

Dean and Cas sat on the swing set until midnight where they parted with an awkward hug but their hugs were always like that, neither of them were used to being close to other people and maybe never would be.

* * *

Two days after Cas turned eighteen it was a Monday. Four students from Free State High School were walking along Bob Billings Parkway. One of them, Tammi, looked over her shoulder. Cas Novak was walking behind them. Freaky Castiel.

"Hey, guys!" she said to her friends, "look who it is."

A tall boy, nicknamed Samhain, turned, "Cassie, Cassie, Cas."

Abaddon looked at him with disgust, "what are _you _doing here? I thought we told you never to come back."

"I- I was just going home. I did nothing wrong."

"Are you talking back to Abby? What did we say about speaking with respect to those better than you?"

"To…do…it?"

"Looks like he's still a little smartass," Jeffrey said with a scowl.

"More like a little bitch," Samhain smirked.

"Hey, princess," Tammi smiled, "we missed you."

"How's life, Ana? Found your Prince Charming yet?" Abby put her arm on Cas' shoulder pretended to be affectionate.

"Just let me g-go home," Cas tried to push past them.

"Where do you think you're going?" Jeffrey grabbed his sleeve, "we aren't done chatting, Ana."

"Are you still single? Can't find the right fag for you?" Abby faked empathy.

"Let go of me," Cas warned Jeffrey, ignoring Abby's comment.

"What are you going to do about it?" Jeffrey held him tighter, "Puke on us?"

This earned a chorus of laughs from the group. Cas felt so ashamed and embarrassed but then the Impala pulled up beside them and it was like a shining beacon of hope in the dark night of empty threats.

"Is everything okay here, Cas? I was driving past and you looked like you were a bit…uncomfortable," Dean flashed him an uneasy smile.

"So you do have a boyfriend?" Tammi laughed.

"Shut up, bitch," Dean warned.

"Fire in this one. I like that. He can be the light to your dark, Cassie, because you are so, so dark," Samhain burst into hysterics at his own comment.

"I was actually just walking to your house, Dean. Looks like you can give me a lift now," Castiel walked towards the car.

"But I liv-" Dean cut himself off after receiving a warning glare from Cas. He was obviously in trouble and needed a way out, "hop in. I was expecting you."

"You are so cute!" Abby exclaimed in a patronising voice.

"Wear a condom!" Tammi yelled at Cas' back as walked towards the impala.

"Bye, Ana," the whole group chorused as Cas closed the car door.

"Woah," Dean said as they started driving.  
"They were just some old friends."

"Lovely friends you have. Why did they call you Anna?"

"Long story."

"So they're from Free State?"

"Yeah," Cas turned to look out the window, signalling the end of the conversation about that matter.

"So where are we going? Yours or mine?" Dean laughed.

"Can we go to your house? I'd rather not deal with my family right now."

"Sure thing," Dean said as he turned off the road.

They pulled into the driveway and Castiel took a deep breath before getting out of the car.

"Cas?" Dean said as they walked inside, "if…whatever that was…is a regular thing, I can drive you home, you know, if you want."

"Thank you for the offer, Dean, but that was the first time I had seen them since I left Free State."

"They were such dicks, fucking hell. How did you put up with that for three years?"

"I had Gabe, for one of them at least."

"You- he- he seems, _seemed_, really great."

"He was. He is."

"Yeah. It's like, they're not really dead if we still remember them."

Cas smiled at that, "exactly."

An hour later Dean drove Castiel home. Sam came back thirty minutes after that and he and Dean ate Dinner in peace. It would be Christmas in nine days and neither had really spoken about it. They didn't even have a tree. School was finishing for Christmas Break soon, anyway; they could discuss that later.

* * *

Castiel sat at the desk in his bedroom at home and pulled out a pen and two sheets of lined paper. He began to write. After thirty minutes his hand was starting to cramp up. This was a long letter, so far. But maybe he was just taking so long because of all the stopping, crossing out and starting all over again. He could write a good copy later.

* * *

On the 21st Sam and Dean drove out to get a Christmas tree. After three hours of looking for a cheap tree of decent quality they found one. It was a little small and battered but it was perfect to Dean and Sam, anyway. If it were flawless it would feel cold and impersonal to them, anyway. This was to be the first Christmas in a home since their mother died but it was also going to be the first with only them. Adam was going to stop by on Christmas Eve and Castiel in the afternoon on Christmas Day but it going to be Sam and Dean for the most of it. They decorated the tree with decorations their mother made when she was pregnant and bored. At the end it looked rough but gentle. Like a family that has been through hell but still sticks together. Like the Winchesters.

* * *

Christmas Eve came and with it, Adam. Sam swooned over him and Dean just counted down the seconds until he could ask Adam to leave without it being inappropriate and rude. It wasn't that Dean didn't like Adam; it was just that John used to pamper Adam like he was the son he never had, even though he did have two others. Adam was like Sam. Young. Innocent. Sam was the favourite, Dean knew this. Even when Sam would shout at John and argue he would still be the golden child. Dean would be blamed for the bad behaviour and '_can't you keep your brother under control? He's still a boy; you need to look after him, Dean. _' would be yelled and Sam would be off scot-free. Dean took responsibility for Sam because it was his job. If he didn't have Sam he would have nothing. Family is everything. Adam left and Sam went to bed, but Dean couldn't. He grabbed the keys to the impala and drove out to his old home.

As he pulled up into the driveway he felt an odd chill. It had been fourteen years since he had gone inside. He had a spare key to it with him. He stood at the door.

"_God rest you merry gentlemen_,'' Dean sung under his breath as he pulled the key out of his pocket, "_let nothing you dismay. Remember Christ, our saviour, was born on Christmas Day._"

The door swung open.

"_To save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray._"

He stepped into the house, closed the door behind him and looked around. It still looked perfect. Untouched. Everything was just as he remembered it.

"_O tidings of comfort and joy. Comfort and joy_," Dean started to walk up the stairs, "_O tidings of comfort and joy._"

He walked into his parents' old bedroom. All the furniture was still there. Double bed, dresser, wardrobe and mirror. Just like it used to be. John didn't have the heart to throw anything out and he couldn't stand to stay so everything was left like a time capsule of better times. Dean picked up a picture of Mary and John's wedding that sat on the dressing table.

"_From God our Heavenly Father a blessed Angel came. And unto certain Shepherds brought tidings of the same_."

He put the photo back and walked out of the room.

"_How that in Bethlehem was born_," Dean walked up to Sam's old nursery door and traced his fingers over the 'Sam' that was painted onto it, "_the Son of God by Name_."

"_O tidings of comfort and joy._"

Dean stepped through the door.

"_Comfort and joy_."

He stared at the crib.

"_O tidings of comfort and joy._"

Dean looked over at the chair in the corner of the room. He remembered when his mother would sit there, cradling Sam in her arms.

Dean walked out of the nursery and down the stairs, refusing to look in his old bedroom. He stepped out the front door and locked it behind him.

Dean glanced down at his watch. It read _12:13am_.

"Merry Christmas," Dean muttered.

Dean drove out to the park he and Castiel went to ten days earlier but when he arrived at the path he turned left. Dean walked over to a small clump of trees and put his hand on the biggest, running his fingers over the old bark. There were several hearts carved into it. Dean touched the highest one. _J. W. & M. C. '87. _His fingers moved to the next. _J.W. & M.C. '88. _And the next. _J.W. & M.C. '89_. And on and on it went. _J.W. & M.C. '90, J.W. & M.C. '91, J.W. & M.W. '92, J.W. & M.W. '93, J.W., M.W. & D.W. '94, J.W., M.W. & D.W. '95, J.W., M.W. & D.W. '96, J.W., M.W. & D.W. '97, J.W., M.W., D.W. & S.W. '98. _And it ended there. Mary was always the one who told them to go and carve their initials into what she called 'The Family Tree'. Dean pulled a penknife out of his pocket and began to carve. _D.W. & S.W. '13._ They were the only ones left. The final braches on a dying tree.

Dean turned and headed back to his car. He drove home and walked inside quietly so as not to wake Sam. This precaution was unnecessary, though, as Sam was already awake, sitting on the couch.

"Where were you?"

"I had to go out?

"Dean! It's Christmas! Just tell me where you went. Please? I worry about you, you know."

"Well, you shouldn't. I'll be fine, Sammy. Just focus on school and Stanford, don't worry about me. Please. I just went home."

"_Home_ home?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me? We could have gone together."

"I had to do this myself, Sammy. We can go again some other time."

"And we could live there one day, right?"

"We _could, _I guess. But…I don't know…don't you think that would spoil the memories?"

"The only thing that's spoiling it is the abandoned state it's in."

"We'll go out there in a week or two, okay? Then we can decide. Go to bed."

"Okay but only if you do too. I don't want you sleeping through Christmas," Sam stood up and went into his bedroom.

Dean took a swig of his flask and went to his own room.

* * *

The next morning Sam woke up at 7:30. He pulled out the present he had hidden under his bed and wrapped it in newspaper. Sam walked into the living room and placed it under the tree. He then went into the kitchen and began making breakfast.

Dean awoke to the smell of pancakes and clang of pots and pans at just after 8.

"Morning, Sammy," Dean's voice carried through the house as he emerged from his bedroom, rubbing his eyes, "Merry Christmas. Did you make breakfast?"

"Yeah, I thought I owe you this much after being such a great brother this past year."

Dean ruffled Sam's hair. "You know just what to say to make me blush," Dean joked.

They ate in relative silence then moved onto gift giving. Sam pulled out a his little newspaper wrapped bundle and handed it to Dean who opened it. Inside was a necklace and three guitar picks.

"Picks?"

"Well, I thought that if you ever wanted to start playing guitar again this is where you could start, you know?"

"Thanks, Sammy. These are perfect. Now open yours," Dean shoved a plastic bag into Sam's hands.

"Lovely wrapping," Sam remarked sarcastically.

"You're lucky it's covered at all."

Sam put his hand into the bag and pulled out some books.

"Thank you so much, Dean. How did you remember I wanted these?"

"Because if I didn't you'd be getting gas coupons."

* * *

They day continued quietly. Bobby called around noon to check in them and with them a Merry Christmas and Castiel came over at 5pm. Dean gave him the first three singles from Conventional Weapons by My Chemical Romance and Castiel gave Dean a picture frame with a photo of Sam and Dean as young children that he must have asked Sam for. Just before Castiel left he gave Dean a letter.

"Don't open it yet."

"Um, okay…when should I open it?"

"You'll know when."

"Will you tell me or something?"

"You'll know when," Cas hugged Dean goodbye, "Merry Christmas."

* * *

The new year came and school began again. On the Wednesday of the first week Cas stood alone in his bedroom. He looked over at the picture of Gabriel.

"I'm so sorry."

Cas neatened up his desk and sat there staring at the items in his hand. He started to sing under his breath.

"_I don't feel any shame, I won't apologize. When there ain't nowhere you can go_."

Castiel started to unscrew the cap of the bottle of painkillers he held in his right hand.

"_Running away from pain when you've been victimized_," he swallowed ten pills, "_Tales from another broken home_."

He looked at Gabriel once more.

"See you soon."

* * *

Dean didn't go to school the next day as he felt sick so he spent the day eating and sleeping and sleeping and eating. His phone rang at 3:30 and pulled him out of his 'routine'.

"Hello?"

"Dean!" Jo's voice replied, sounding worried.

"What is it?"

"I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't know? Oh, God, I don't want to be the one to tell you. It's Cas. He's in hospital."


	5. Hold On

**FIVE  
HOLD ON**

* * *

"Cas is in hospital?" Dean yelled at the phone, "Oh my fucking God, what happened?"

"I don't know, Mum drove past their house last night and she saw him being taken out by paramedics."

"LAST NIGHT?!"

"I would have told you sooner if I knew that you didn't know, I swear."

"I'm not angry with you, Jo," Dean sighed, "I'm just pissed at the whole fucking universe."

"When you find out what's happened you let me know, alright?"

"Yeah, sure, Jo," Dean hung up and paced for a minute before throwing on a pair of shoes and rushing to his car.

* * *

When Dean arrived at the hospital he saw Anna at the vending machine in the foyer.

"Anna!" He exclaimed. "How's Cas? What happened to him? Is he going to be alright?"

She turned to him and he noticed the tears running down her face. Her eyes were bloodshot, half closed and held a look of pain that was indescribable.

"H-he tri- he-," she kept stuttering, her whole body shaking. Dean led her to a seat and she sat down.

"You can tell me, relax."

"C-Castiel h-he tried t-to…k-kill him-s-self."

Dean felt his whole world stop. Castiel. Attempted suicide. His _best friend _thought there were no options other than to die.

"I should have been there," Dean said standing up.

"I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM! I SHOULD HAVE HELPED HIM! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! _I COULDN'T EVEN LOOK AFTER HIM!_ IF I CAN'T HELP PEOPLE THEN WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? I AM WORTHLESS. THE BLOOD IS ON _MY _HANDS HERE! I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM!" Dean beat his fist against the wall with every sentence until he finally slumped down and crawled into a ball against the wall, "this is all my fault. This is all my fault. This is all my fault. Why didn't he tell me?"

Dean looked up at Anna, directing the last question at her. She shrugged and more tears fell from her eyes.

"I don't know," she whispered, "I didn't know anything about this. He should have come to me. He should have come to _us."_

Dean wiped his eyes, took a deep breath and stood up.

"Do you know what room he is in?" Dean hugged Anna to comfort her.

She nodded, "321. Mother left to go have something to eat about twenty minutes ago."

Dean gave thanks to her and headed for the lift. He pressed the button and waited for a minute before the third set of doors opened to reveal it empty. Dean walked in and pressed the button for the third floor. He took a deep breath and wiped violently at his eyes with his sleeve. He stepped out of the elevator when it reached the third level and he looked to either side before turning left. When he was near Cas' room he felt strangely anxious. It wasn't like there'd be anybody there, right? Well, except Cas. He finally saw it. Room 21. Dean walked in slowly and saw Castiel lying on the bed, sleeping. He had tubes running out of his body and a heart rate machine beside him. His forearms were covered in gauze. Dean walked over to Cas' bedside and pulled a chair up. He reached out and put one of his hands over Cas' left one.

"I'm here, Cas. I'm here and I'm not leaving you again. I wasn't there for you before but I will be now, I promise. You just have to let me in."

Dean called Sam to let him know where he was and explain the situation. Dean sat by Cas' side until visiting hours were over. When he arrived home Sam was sitting on the couch. He rose when Dean's made his presence evident. Sam walked over to Dean and hugged him.

"It's all my fault," Dean whispered.

"No, it isn't. It isn't anybody's fault."

"I should have been there for him.

"Were you aware that he was so…unhappy?"

"No."

"Then how could you have done anything? If he wanted you to know then he would have told you."

Dean sighed and pulled away, "I'm going to go to bed, have you had dinner yet?"

"No."

"Order yourself some takeaway."

Dean walked into his room and sat on his bed. He saw the letter Cas wrote him sitting on the dresser. This must have been what he meant when he said that Dean would 'know when' to open it.

He unsealed the envelope and pulled out the folded paper inside.

* * *

_Dear Dean,_

_I am sorry that it has come to this, a letter about an incident passed. I just wanted to say, thank you. Thank you for being my friend. No-one has taken the time to get to know me before. Before you, that is. You were great, for lack of a better word. You were great and you were fantastic and you were kind and caring and I can't thank you enough. This is my note, I guess. That's what people do, don't they? Leave a note._

_Please don't blame yourself; there was nothing you could do. I was just tired of feeling. I was tired of all the pain. I was tired of waking up every morning. I was tired of being the disgrace that I am. I was tired of seeing myself in the mirror. I was tired of being me._ _I was tired of living. I was tired of breathing. And I was just tired of being tired. I couldn't take it anymore, I __can't __take it anymore. Everything hurts all the time and it's getting worse every year, every month, every day, every second. I don't want to feel anymore because nothing feels good._

_Except for being with you and that's why I am writing this letter._

_You made me feel happier than I had in a long time because you made me feel like I mattered, even though I was fat, even though I was ugly, even though I was a failure. You made me feel worthy and even though I wasn't I'd still like to thank you. Since you can't speak ill of the dead, I am going to tell you a little bit about what's going on._

_My whole life I have been the worst in the family. They were all strong and beautiful and kind and I was just me. I will never be strong and handsome like you and my brothers but I believed that one day could be skinny. If I lost the fat on my stomach and thighs I could be skinny. I just had to stop eating. Eating was weakness. Eating was giving in. Occasionally I binged but that could be fixed with a quick trip to the toilet, do you know what I mean? And once I was skinny, everything would be fixed. Everything would be good. All the pain would go away. But it wasn't that easy. I tried. I tried for years. I never became skinny. I will never be skinny. I will always just be me. I became so angry at myself. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't even lose weight. Every time I stepped on the scales I felt pain. Every time I looked down I felt pain. And the pain wouldn't leave because I wasn't getting skinny. I will never get skinny._

_So, I was angry at myself. And that anger turned to hate. I hated myself. I hate myself. I am worthless and a failure but I can tell you this because I should be gone by now. I hated myself so much that I would slash and claw at my own skin just to feel the pain. Just to see the blood. Just to have the scars. I tried to stop the pain with more pain. That didn't work. It just got worse. Everything just got worse. Everything will always get worse. I just can't do it. It is that simple._

_You might be wondering why I didn't tell you. Even though this sounds cliché, it wasn't you, it was me. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you 100 times. I just couldn't. I was scared. I thought you'd judge me. I thought everyone would judge me. Because that's what humans do. They judge. They judge people they don't know. They judge people they shouldn't. They judge. They judge. They judge. I judge people. You judge people. Everyone judges everyone and I need to get away from this dog-eat-dog society._

_I am sorry that I gave up. I am sorry that I am weak. I am sorry that I'm a coward. I'm sorry for everything._

_At least I didn't leave you alone. I was scared that you wouldn't have any friends at school and that's why I was so glad that you found Jo. She's a nice girl, stay friends with her. Make sure you become old. Get married and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. Do better than I did. Please._

_I am glad that I am gone so can you please make sure that no-one is upset? I am sorry that it came to this but I saw no other way. I couldn't hold on. I am with Gabriel now. Eighteen years of pain are over. I am at home now. I am finally at peace._

_This isn't goodbye, though. This is 'see you soon'._

_Love always,_

_Cas._


	6. Hospital For Souls

**SIX  
HOSPITAL FOR SOULS  
**

* * *

Dean arrived at the hospital after school the next day to find Castiel awake. He was sitting alone in his room reading. Dean cleared his throat to get Castiel's attention. Castiel looked up from his book and his face was covered with a mix of emotions when he saw Dean.

"Hello," Castiel seemed to shrink into the bed, as if he didn't want to be seen.

"Hi," Dean stood there feeling lost. What do you say to your suicidal best friend in hospital?

"Can I?" Dean asked, gesturing to a chair.

"Yes, yes. Sure."

Dean sat down and started drumming his fingers on his knee, "so…I read your letter."

"Oh, shit. I forgot about that."

"You forgot…about a suicide note?"

"Well, I didn't think I'd have to remember," he gave a light chuckle but they both knew that this statement held deeper meaning.

"Are you…happy…that you…survived?"

"If I were glad I lived then the whole thing would be k-kind of…pointless, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah. Um. Listen, nothing I can do or say will make you feel better but if you don't go anywhere neither will I."

"Thanks, D-Dean. Did you know that they're sending me to another hospital? Well, I don't know if it's even a hospital. But it's a place. They say I'm too underweight and it's dangerous but I'm not! I'm not! This whole time I have not lost any weight!"

"You are looking a bit, uh, thin."

NO! Stop lying to me, please."

Dean decided to change the topic. "What are you reading?"

"Little Women."

"Has anyone else come to see you yet?"

"My mother visited to fill out forms and such and to keep up appearances. Michael and Lucifer visited, as well, but they stayed for about five minutes."

"Well, I won't leave. Not until visiting hours are over."

"Don't you have homework?"

"When have I ever done it?"

"How's school?"

"Lonely as fuck. Jo's the only one who knows about _this_."

"Good. I wouldn't want the other students-"

"Talking about you behind your back. Judging you without knowing you. It's okay, Cas. I understand. So, how are you?"

"Bored out of my skull."

"No, really. How are you?"

"I-I'm…coping with this, with living."

* * *

The next day Dean went to school and visited Cas and again and again until he was transferred to the new clinic where he would be staying. The first day Cas was there Dean didn't visit him. On the second, Dean as nervous as hell. He entered the house and noticed women cooking in the kitchen. He signed in and walked down the hall to where he was told Cas' room to be. He knocked on the open door as he walked in. Cas was sitting on his bed, wearing a trench coat and facing away from Dean.

"Uh, hey, Cas."

"Hello. You didn't come yesterday," Cas stood up and walked over to Dean.

"Yeah, um, I wanted you to be able to settle in."

"Let's go to the day room."

"Okay, okay. You lead the way."

"Do you want to play a board game?" Cas asked when they arrived.

"Um, sure."

"Okay, here's Sorry."

* * *

A girl, who must've been about fourteen, approached Castiel in the day room a few days later.

"Hello."

"Hello, I'm Castiel."

"I'm Samantha."

"How long have you been in here?"

"Two months. I just can't put on those twenty pounds."

"Oh, that's-"

"A while, yes. But Gloria has been here for six months and Jimmy for three so I can't complain."

* * *

Dean came to visit after school. And they talked. And he left. Just like every visit, every day without fail or change. One time, though, after Dean left Cas found a large envelope on his bed, similar to the one he had given Dean all those months ago.

'Dean must have left it when I went to the bathroom,' Castiel thought as he held it in his hands.

Castiel opened the envelope and was surprised to find that it held a CD and a piece of paper which held the track listing. Cas looked at the disc and saw _'For When You're Sad_' written on it but just under that, in a smaller font, it said _'(to make you happy)'_.


	7. The Party Scene

**SEVEN  
THE PARTY SCENE**

* * *

"Hi, Castiel."

"Hello, Doctor Ratched."

"How are you today?"

"I wish I were dead."

"The nurses say you have been eating slowly but you have been having your full meals."

"Reluctantly."

* * *

"Can we move into our old house?"

"Jesus, Sam. Don't beat around the bush," Dean replied sarcastically.

"It's not like we lived there our whole lives and it holds painful memories."

"It holds enough."

"Come on, Dean! Why the hell not? It's closer to school and bigger."

"I'll think about it."

"We could move there for your birthday."

"I'll talk to Aunty Kate, okay?"

"Fine."

Sam went into his bedroom to study and Dean picked up the phone, dialling his aunt's number.

"Hello?" She picked up after two rings.

"Hey,"

"Dean! How are you? You could call here more often. I've had to hear about you from Bobby and Adam and I was thinking, 'Why won't this boy call me? Is his life so intense that he can't take 10 minutes out to call old Aunt Kate?' I miss you. You need to visit, boy."

"Yes, I know. I haven't spoken to you in a month, it ain't right. But, you know, you could call here, too. Um, anyway, I called to ask if it would be possible to move into the House."

"The house? Oh…._The House, _right. I'm sure that could be arranged, it's just sitting there. Would that mean that you'll sell your current house?"

"I didn't think of that…um…I don't want to sell it. Will we be able to afford to keep it?"

"Well, I'm not in charge of your money but your father did leave you quite a bit. And with the life insurance and what not on top of that, I think you should be fine."

"When do you think we can move? Sammy wants to be there before my birthday."

"Hmmm, leave it to me. I'll sort this out and you'll be in there before you know it."

* * *

Dean sat in his bedroom, holding the letter Cas gave him. The note. Holding Castiel's suicide note. He didn't throw it out. He _couldn't_ throw it out. It wasn't just a piece of paper. It was a story. A tale of Castiel's life. A tale of Castiel's death. Well, near death. He read over the lines again. _Even though I was fat, even though I was ugly. _Dean couldn't get his head around that. Cas was nowhere near ugly. Or fat. Cas was well near perfect. Why couldn't he see it? _I hated myself. I hate myself. I am worthless and a failure. _Dean felt his heart break every time he read this. Cas hated himself. But why? Cas was wonderful. There wasn't a worthless bone in his body. Cas never failed anyone, he wasn't a failure. Why did he think all these things? Cas was magnificent. A hero. A soldier. He just needed to see it. Dean would make him see it. He _had _to see it. Cas was brilliant and the whole world needed to be informed that Dean Winchester made a friend so great. It was time to go visit Cas. He folded up the letter and put it on his desk, under a book.

* * *

Dean arrived at Cas' room but didn't see him in there.

"Cas?"

"Here," a small voice choked out.

Dean walked into the room and saw Cas on the floor next to his bed.

"What are you doing down there?" Dean sat down above him

Cas rolled over and Dean saw his tear-stained cheeks. "Bringing communism to the West."

"Come on, Cas. Get up, sit next to me."

Cas stood up and sat beside Dean, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"What's upsetting you?"

"I lied to them."

"How?"

"I told Dr Ratched that I've never purged before."

"Are you going to purge again?"

"I-I don't know."

"Well, if you don't then it doesn't matter, does it?"

"I-I guess not."

"Is that all that was upsetting you?"

"N-no. My f-family they aren't calling. Only Anna came to see me. W-why aren't they here? D-don't they love me?"

"If they don't love you they're damn idiots but they do, I promise."

"Sometimes I'm upset because they won't come but I don't think I _actually_ want to see them. I just want them to notice me."

"When they let you out of here, you don't have to go live with them. You're an adult. You can do whatever you want."

"C-can I stay with you?"

"Of course, Cas. Sam and I will always welcome you. We're actually moving, probably."

"Out of town?" Cas' face filled with worry and loss.

"No, no, no, no, no. We have a house in Lawrence, the house we grew up in, and Sam wants to live there. There'll be enough room there for you to stay."

"Thank you, Dean. You are such a good friend. I don't deserve y-"

"Stop right there, Cas. You're wrong. You do deserve to have friends. You deserve to be helped. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be saved."

* * *

Dean's birthday came on the next Saturday. He went to visit Cas at about noon.

"Hello. Happy birthday, Dean. I am sorry we couldn't have a small gathering."

Dean laughed, "It's okay, Cas. I'm finally nineteen!"

"Yes, you sure are getting on in years."

"I don't know what Sam's getting me but he's been acting suspicious all day, he practically pushed me out the door."

"Maybe it's a surprise party?"

Dean laughed, "Who'd he invite? There would be about three people there who aren't family."

"I would give you a present but-"

"It's fine Cas, you'll just owe me one," Dean laughed. "Have you made any friends in here?"

"Um, yeah," Cas smiled and it was a magnificent smile.

'_How could he think he's ugly?'_ Dean thought.

"At least, I _think_ I have friends here. I've been talking to this girl, she's really nice. Samantha. She introduced me to his friends. The good thing about being here is that there's always somebody to talk to when you're upset and even if they don't understand they'll always listen."

* * *

As Dean left he got a text from Sam.

_Meet me at the park that you went to for Cas' birthday._

He got into his car and drove there. As he pulled into the car park Sam walked over to the car, getting in when he slowed.

"What are you doing?" Dean asked.

"Drive."

"Did you just rob a bank?"

"Yes," Sam deadpanned.

"Where am I driving to?"

"Just follow my directions. A left here. Now a right. Turn at that corner. Yep. Second street on the left, now. I think you'll be able to tell where we're going."

Dean turned and realised where they were. Their old street. Their old house. He parked in the driveway and got out. Sam led him up the stairs and opened the door.

"Y-you…we are…our st-stuff…we…"

"Aunt Kate and I have been secretly moving the furniture all week. We brought all the main items here when you were at the hospital. Happy birthday!"

"This…this is incredible…thank you Sam."

"Are you okay? I was worried that you didn't want to live here."

"No, no. This is great, Sam. Thank you. You did all this and I can just rest, now. This is the best present I could have asked for.

"Happy birthday, Dean. I love you."

"I-I love you, too, Sam. You're the best brother I could have asked for_."_


	8. Love Every Scar

**EIGHT  
LOVE EVERY SCAR**

* * *

Even though Castiel was in the clinic, even though Mary and John were gone, even though Dean was all alone, January ended. Just like it always did. Just like it always will. No matter how broken somebody is, the earth will keep on spinning, the moon will still orbit the earth, the sun will rise and set, January will always end. Life will always go on. And with every day's end, past pain will be left further behind. And with every day's beginning, future pain will be closer. Because there will always be pain. And love and hope. Hope that one day the love would outweigh the pain. Hope that next January will be brighter. Hope.

So, the world went on. Every day Dean would visit Cas for half an hour after school, then he would work at Rufus' garage, go home and make dinner for Sam, think of a reason not to do his homework and fall asleep. The world went on because it had to. Even if Cas' suicide attempt succeeded, the world would go on. Even if it's falling apart, the world will go on. The world goes on because that's what it's always done and will always do. The world goes on because it has to.

* * *

"Outside, today in the garden, I followed a honeybee. I saw the route of flowers. It's all right there, the whole plan. There's nothing to add."

"Okay," Dean wasn't used to this, "Um Cas-"

"American Idiot is a lovely album. It's like a whole….a whole story. Yes, a story. There's the Jesus of Suburbia and he leaves home and travels the street and he meets Jimmy, St. Jimmy, and Jimmy, he introduces him to drugs. And he also meets a girl, Whatshername. That's what she's actually called, not just me forgetting. And she is great and the Jesus of Suburbia loves her and it's a whole rage and love thing and the Jesus Of Suburbia is the son of rage and love and she is love and Jimmy is rage and then Jimmy kills himself, shoots his brains out. And Whatshername leaves and grows up and forgets but she won't be forgotten, only her name. But the Jesus of Suburbia never existed, he was a lie. He was Jimmy and now Jimmy is dead. He's home. It's a nice album. It's a story, a big story."

"Okay, Cas-"

"Samantha put on weight and isn't secretly exercising in her room anymore. She is being released. I have another friend in here. Balthazar. Rachel says he wants to kiss me but that's a lie."

"Cas!" Dean yelled. "How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Tell me the truth, Cas. Please."

Castiel turned away. Dean could hear him breathe in and out.

"I'm…eating?"

"Well, um, okay."

"Do you hate me? You hate me, don't you? That's fine. I understand, Dean. It's okay."

Dean sighed audibly, "Fucking hell, Cas. I don't hate you. You're still the same person as you were yesterday. You're a good guy, Cas. And you may feel like you have hell after you, fuck, sometimes you probably do, but you're still a good guy and you're fighting this and you're doing a damn good job, okay? You're a soldier and you need to get these son of a bitch ideas of your inferiority out of your brain."

"D-Doctor Ratched wants me to write down my feelings so they don't get lost or something like that. So I wrote a poem."

"A poem?"

"Uh, yeah. Do you want to read it? It doesn't rhyme the whole time but I want you to read it. "

"Sure, dude. Um, if you want me to."

Castiel pulled out a folded piece of lined paper from his trench coat pocket and handed it to Dean. He unfolded it and began.

* * *

_A lengthy road stretches in front_

_It seemed to get longer everyday_

_But now I think it has shrunk_

_The sides of the path are covered_

_With littered hopes and dreams_

_Maybe mine will end up there, undiscovered_

_Just another toll of life_

_But maybe death, maybe the end_

_Maybe it will end this strife_

_This pain that I feel_

_That we all feel_

_Everyday_

_Because it won't end_

_The demons won't stop attacking you_

_Until you are on the side of the road of broken hope_

_Maybe this is all a hoax?_

_A memory_

_That we relive every second_

_Even if we are safe_

_Even if we have been safe for 100 years_

_We still see this_

_Every day_

_Every night_

_Every second_

_A lie told a million times by our own heads_

_To remind us that things may be better but they can always be worse_

_You can always end up walking along an avenue_

_Sided with dead trees_

_And dead people_

_And dead dreams _

_It could be all that we have left, one day_

_This could be the richest I will ever feel_

_Because I am so ripe with emotions_

_No matter how much pain comes with them_

_Feeling this might be better than feeling nothing at all_

_But I would rather feel nothing_

_I would rather sleep the dreams of the dearly departed_

_Than walk this road for the millionth time_

_Because I haven't seen an exit_

_And I am not going to see an exit_

_Because the only way out is with a pill bottle_

_And a loaded gun_

_And a knife_

_Because the only to leave is to make sure you'll never come back_

_I will escape this labyrinth _

_Scout's Honour_

_I am fighting for peace_

_I am a soldier_

_Waging a war against my own mind_

_To find the peace that was once there_

_The peace that existed when I thought that it was the end_

_I will not give up_

_But it isn't giving up, is it?_

_It's getting out._

* * *

Dean sat down and rested his forehead in his right hand. "Shit, Cas. That was, that was good."

"It didn't rhyme enough."

"It was good."

"It didn't flow right, though."

"It was good."

"It seemed too, uneven."

"Cas! It was good!"

"Thank you," Cas muttered and looked at Dean, giving him a sheepish smile. "Can I tell you something?"

"Uh, go ahead."

"It's about Gabriel. H-he was amazing. He knew, about _all this_. He helped. He told me to stop and made me feel worth it and didn't get annoyed when I wouldn't eat and didn't look down on me when I did and he was great and helped me stop self-harming and didn't berate me if I slipped up. When he died I relapsed, hard. I went crazy. You know how I said that I cut because I hated myself? Well, yeah, that was only half the reason. It's more complicated than that. I would do it as a, as a distraction. When I was doing it I would only focus on the pain or the blood or how damn itchy it was afterwards. I would cut to relax. To express anger. To punish myself. To reward myself. And, of course, there was always the hope that if I cut deep enough I could die. Death. The final frontier. Ah, to be at peace. A boy can dream, can't he? So that's why I'm going to show you this."

Castiel pulled his sleeves up to show Dean his forearms. Some faint scars were seen around the wrist but they were overpowered by a large, jagged scar on each wrist which were obviously new and had been stitched up recently. These lines almost ended Castiel's life. Dean held Castiel's right hand in his and turned his arm over. More scars.

"Is this all of them?"

"These are, um, all the _dry_ ones. But Dean, I would like you to do me a favour. Please. Can you go to my home, into my bedroom, and retrieve a book called _Flora and Fauna of Britain._ Once you have it I would like you to burn it or throw it out or something. I just don't want to see it again, please?"

Dean was confused at the odd request but he could tell by Cas' tone that he was being serious. "Of course. I'll do it on the way home."

* * *

Dean knocked on the Novak's front door. _What was he going to say? I am here to burn books?_ Castiel's mother opened the door, interrupting Dean from his thoughts.

"Um." _Smooth start, Winchester_. "Hi. Castiel has asked me to get something for him. In his room. A book. He wants to, uh, read it."

She opened the door wider and gestured for him to enter. "I gather you know where to go," she walked off.

Dean entered Castiel's bedroom and saw the book on his desk. He picked it up. It seemed…light. Dean opened the lid and realised why Castiel wanted Dean to get rid of it. The book had been hollowed out and was filled with blades of all shapes and sizes. Pencil sharpener blades, bits of scissors, razor blades, Stanley knife blades, anything Cas could find, really. Dean was glad that Cas had asked him to do this. It meant that he would have less chance of slipping back into old habits. He was getting better.

Castiel was healing.


	9. Angry February

_Here is chapter nine. It is kind of longer but not as long as I would have hoped. Well, enjoy._

* * *

**NINE  
ANGRY FEBRUARY**

* * *

"Castiel! Hey!"

Castiel stirred from his reading when he heard a voice. He looked over as his friend Gloria sat beside him. Gloria was eighteen and had been in the hospital for six months. They were going to release her soon because there was nothing else they could do. She was eating fine but they kept catching her exercising in her room. Gloria's boyfriend, Jimmy, was actually a patient as well. Jimmy was nineteen, the oldest you could be in the clinic.

"Hello, Gloria. How are you?"

"I am fantastic, two more days! I will miss you guys so much but apparently Jimmy is improving a lot and might be discharged in a few weeks. I will visit when I'm out, though. You and Grace and Rachel and Balth are some of the best friends I've had in a while. And I love Jimmy so much."

"I know, and he loves you. Grace will miss you."

"I wrote a song this morning; can I sing it to you? Please. It's about my mother. You have to listen to it, please?"

"Of course I'll hear it," Castiel smiled at her.

"Just give me a second," Gloria rushed off and returned a minute later with a piece of paper. "I'll sing just a bit of it, are you ready?"

"Go ahead."

Gloria nodded and took a deep breath, "_I see what's going down._ _Cover up with make up in the mirror .Tell yourself it's never going to happen again. You cry alone and then he swears he loves you. Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you, my friend, one day this world's got to end. As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found. A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect. Every action in this world will bear a consequence. If you wait around forever you will surely drown. I see what's going down_. _Face down in the dirt; she said "This doesn't hurt!" She said "I finally had enough!" One day she will tell you that she has had enough. It's coming round again. Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you, my friend, one day this world's got to end. As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found._"

"Wow, Gloria. That was amazing."

"I-I love music. When I was little I learnt how to read and write it and I played the piano. I probably can't play it anymore, though, I haven't even touched one since we left home."

"You are really talented, well, judging from that song. Do you know what the time is?"

"Thanks. It's, uh, 3."

"Okay. Dean will be here in about an hour," Castiel yawned.

"Cas," Gloria's tone suggested that she wanted him to say something.

"No."

"I can tell that you like him as…more than a friend…don't even try and hide it."

"Dean and I are friends and that's all we'll ever be, you're wrong."

"Sounds to me like you didn't just deny it."

"I don't like Dean _like that._ Yes, he is handsome and caring and I _would_ be lucky to get a guy like him but it isn't like that, honestly."

"Cas, I saw the way you looked at him when he visited yesterday. You are smitten."

Castiel groaned in defeat and covered his face with his hands. "Please don't mention it to anyone, especially not Dean."  
"You should tell –"

"Gloria, please. I'm begging you," he grabbed onto her hand and looked at her with the most endearing expression he could muster.

She sighed, "Okay. I won't tell anybody about your infatuation."

"Thank you," Castiel visibly relaxed as he let out a breath he hadn't even realised he was holding in.

"Do you want to tell me about him?"

Castiel smiled, "he's the best. He's so kind and selfless. He looks after his younger brother _all by himself_. And he is so attractive and brave. His eyes are green, but not so green that they look like they're making a big deal about themselves; a subtle green, a green that you only notice if you're looking for it. And he has these adorable freckles on his nose and under his eyes. He's really tall and strong and amazing…"

* * *

Dean knocked on the door Castiel's room to announce his arrival and let himself in. He walked over to the small desk in the corner and sat in the chair. Castiel was lying on his bed, sleeping. He faced away from Dean

"_He looks adorable_," Dean thought to himself. "_Wait, what? He's a dude, Winchester. You aren't gay. Except for that one guy in Utah…no! You're straight. You have to be. But Cas is so damn cute. And hot, man, look at that ass."_ Dean stopped himself before any more of these thoughts came up.

"Cas," he said softly, nudging the sleeping boy. "Cas, wake up."

Cas groaned and turned over. Dean pushed him again. Castiel squeezed his eyes tightly shut and rolled into a ball. Dean put a hand on his shoulder and just looked down at him.

"_Man, he's gorgeous._"

Castiel uncurled and stretched out. He opened one eye and smiled at Dean. "Good morning or afternoon or whatever."

Dean sat back down in the chair, "Hey."

Castiel rubbed his eyes with his palms and sat up. "What's the time?"

Dean looked down at his watch, "Just after 4:30."

Cas was quiet for a while then his face changed like he'd remembered something. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I might be getting out soon!"

"Really? That's awesome, Cas."

"Yeah," he smiled, "Doctor Ratched says I am improving a lot. You know, I actually _do_ want to get better now. I'm not a danger to myself, or whatever, anymore. I'll be free!" Castiel laughed and stood up, "I want to introduce you to my friend Jimmy."

Dean followed Castiel out the door and down the hall. He opened the door to the day room and stood at a couch that a boy was sitting on.

"Jimmy, this is Dean."

Jimmy looked up at Dean and smirked. He had messy black hair hanging over his forehead. He wore a black t-shirt with some an emblem of a band Dean had never heard of and black jeans. There was a rips in the knees of his pants. His smile faltered but didn't cease. He stood up and offered a thin hand to shake.

"Hi, I'm James, uh, _Jimmy_. Jimmy Armstrong. Yeah, uh, hi."

Dean shook his hand, "Hey, man. I'm Dean. Dean Winchester."

"So, did you hear about our Cas being possibly maybe probably discharged?" Jimmy sat back down again

"Yeah, it's fantastic."

"I'm supposed to leave then, too. If all goes to plan, that is." Jimmy looked at something behind Dean, "Well, well, well."

Dean turned around and saw a girl with black hair and a fringe rushing towards them.

"Hi, Dean!" She said when she arrived.

"Gloria," Castiel warned her.

"What? I'm just saying hello."

"Um, hi, Gloria, is it?" Dean smiled at her.

"You're right, he is handsome," Gloria pseudo-whispered to Cas.

Dean blushed and looked away.

Jimmy kissed Gloria on the cheek and smiled, "Aren't you going to say hello to me?"

Gloria laughed, "Hey, Jimmy; and hey to you too, Castiel."

Dean watched as the conversation flowed naturally. He was glad that Castiel had such a supportive group of friends here.

* * *

The weeks passed and eventually Castiel was discharged. Dean picked him up and drove him to his new home. He showed Castiel to his bedroom, right next to Sam's. Cas smiled at Dean and went in. Dean had to stop and regain his composure, "_How can one damn smile look so good?"_

Castiel returned to school and was glad that nobody asked about his absence but also a little disappointed, "_How could they not notice? I was gone for almost two whole months!" _ He brushed this off, though, because Dean knew. And Dean cared. And that was all that mattered.

On the Friday of Castiel's first week back Sam told Dean that he'd be at his friend Kevin's house until 9 that night doing a project. Dean drove Castiel home and headed to work.

"Hello son." Rufus greeted him as he arrived.

Dean worked until closing.

He drove home with AC/DC blaring. Cas was well, Sam was happy, everything was good in the world.

Dean stepped inside. Castiel was nowhere to be seen.

"Cas?" He called.

No answer.

Dean dropped his keys on the bench.

He took off his jacket and headed upstairs. He went up to Castiel's door and knocked.

No answer.

Dean opened the door to reveal an empty room. He pursed his lips and stood there for a second. In the silence of the house he managed to hear a small sound that may have been otherwise missed. Dean knocked on the door to the bathroom, the source of the noise.

A small voice choked out, "Dean."

"Cas? Are you okay in there?"

"Dean. Help me."

Dean could only just make out the last two words. He tried the handle; unlocked. Dean opened the door.

Castiel sat on the floor. His back leaned against the bath. His pants were around his ankles. There was blood on his hands and thighs. The discarded shell of a pencil sharpener sat beside his left foot. Cas was shaking and tears streamed down his face.

Dean walked over to Cas and unthreaded his pants from his ankles. He picked him up and put him in the bath. Dean was glad that they had a shower-bath. He plugged the tub and turned the water on. He didn't care that Castiel's underpants and t-shirt were being soaked through; all he cared about was helping Cas.

The tub filled and the water turned red. Castiel's breathing evened out.

Dean pulled the plug and emptied the bath of the crimson liquid. When it drained away Castiel's cuts became evident. His arms were clear but both his thighs were covered in shallow cuts. Some weren't even bleeding, just raised pink lines. Along the top of his right leg was a line of parallel gashes but the majority of them were random, as if done in frenzy.

Dean filled the bath with water again. Most of the blood had left the bathtub so it only turned a light pink.

Castiel looked up at Dean and gave him a weak smile but tears kept falling from his eyes.

"Thank you," he whispered, "Thank you, so much. I heard you come in and call my name and I stopped."

Dean pushed Castiel's wet hair off his forehead. "Sammy and I are here. We'll always be here."

* * *

Castiel sat on the couch with Sam beside him the next day. He and Dean didn't feel it was necessary to tell Sam all the events of the previous evening. It was 2pm and Castiel they had just eaten lunch. Sam had insisted that they watch a new documentary on TV. Castiel's phone rang in his pocket. He stood up and excused himself into the kitchen. Dean walked in and sat in Castiel's spot, next to Sam.

"How's Madison?" Dean said.

"She's fine."

"Did you make your move?"

"No, I don't think she and I have a, um, future together."

"A future? Sam, you're fifteen. You don't need to think about that."

"We just didn't, I don't know, click? But it doesn't matter, I've met someone else."

"Well, Casanova, what's her name?"

"Jess. She's really great. We're going to go to the movies tomorrow."

"Where's Cas?"

"In the kitchen, he got a phone call."

Dean nodded and turned his attention to the TV show. "You actually find this interesting?"

"Yes, Dean. Shhh."

Dean sat in silence for a few minutes when he heard a noise behind him. Castiel was standing there with the expression of a stunned mullet.

He looked at his feet and whispered, "He's gone."


	10. It's Not A Fashion Statement

_Here is chapter ten. I have split it into two parts because the first bit (part one) is set during the last chapter (when Castiel relapsed, so it's the afternoon's events from his point of view) so I didn't want to confuse you. Part two is where it continues on from the cliffhanger. It isn't a very long chapter but eh._

* * *

**TEN  
PART ONE – IT'S NOT A FASHION STATEMENT**

* * *

"_You deserve pie, as a reward for all this healthy eating. You haven't purged once this week! And you haven't skipped any meals since you were discharged," _Castiel thought to himself as he finished his homework. The house was empty because Dean was at work and Sam was working on a project with his friend Kevin.

Castiel put a trench coat on over his t-shirt, placing his keys in his pocket and heading outside. He walked down to the local diner and sat in a small booth. The waitress walked up to him.

"What'll it be?"

"May I please have a slice of pie? My friend once said it was the best in town."

"Sure thing," she walked off and Castiel sat quietly until it arrived. The second he bit into the pie he knew Dean was correct in his praises.

"_This is magnificent.," _Castiel thought. "_I have really been missing out."_

He had almost finished his pie when he heard hushed voices.

"Is that…?" The first voice said.

"I think it is," another person replied.

"Castiel Novak. Long time no see," a boy walked over and sat opposite Cas. "Come and join Cassy and I, guys." He gestured to his friends who immediately joined them.

Castiel cringed when he recognised them. It was Tammi, Samhain, Abby and Jeffrey from his old school.

"How've you been?" Jeffrey leered.

"We've missed you." Tammi pinched Cas' cheek affectionately. "You're getting chubby, Cassy. Better go puke."

The whole gang began laughing at Cas who just looked down in shame.

"Aw, don't be like that, Ana. I'm sure it was just the pie. It's really fattening, you know," Abby said.

"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips," Tammi laughed.

Castiel closed his eyes and thumbed his hip bone until he was no longer listening to what they were saying.

"_It's still there. You're still thin. It's still there. You're still thin."_

Castiel opened his eyes. His eyes were lever with his thighs. They had flattened out when he sat and were pushed against each other.

"_YOU'RE FAT. YOU'RE FAT. YOU'RE FAT."_

Cas looked up to see the small group still talking. He remembered when they first found out about his disorder. He had thought the school bathrooms were empty so he went in and purged his lunch. As he walked out to wash his hands he noticed Samhain leaning at the sink. That was when the ridiculing began. And the nicknames. Well, nickname. The second Tammi learnt of his eating disorder she felt in necessary to call him Ana. And it soon caught on with the rest of the school. Apparently there was something un-masculine about being self-conscious.

Cas stood up and pushed past Tammi. They wouldn't see him cry. He wouldn't let them. Cas paid for his food. If they yelled at him as he left, he didn't hear. He just wanted to go home. Cas ran until he was at the front door and once he was inside he ran once more. Castiel rushed to the bathroom next to his bedroom and purged until his throat burnt.

"_Why did I eat that darn pie? You are so fucking fat, ugh, it's ridiculous."_

Cas felt dizzy. He didn't know if it was from that hollow feeling you get when you are so desperately unhappy that you'll do anything to relieve the pain or malnutrition. Cas curled into a ball and rocked back and forth.

"When will this end?" he said aloud, "I just want this all to end. When will the pain stop? I JUST WANT TO PAIN TO STOP!"

Cas needed a temporary relief from his emotions. He went into the first bedroom he could get to. Dean's. Cas rummaged through the drawers until he found a pencil sharpener.

"This will do."

Cas then went over to the tool box he knew Dean kept in his cupboard. Cas pulled out Dean's smallest screwdriver and took his provisions into the bathroom. He pulled out the screw and undid the fly of his pants. The fell to his ankles and Cas slid down to the ground, his legs spread out in front of him. He started slashing. Back and forth. Back and forth.

"Pain, pain, go away. Come again some other day," Castiel whispered to himself and as he dragged the blade along his skin he forgot all about what had been said to him at the diner.

* * *

**TEN  
PART TWO – ST JIMMY**

* * *

Dean rushed over to Castiel and grabbed his shoulders. "Who's gone?"  
Castiel tilted his head. "That was Gloria on the phone. He's dead. Jimmy is dead. He died last night. Shot himself in the head.

Dean hugged Castiel like his life depended on it. "I thought he was getting better?"

Castiel shook his head. "We all did. But Jimmy didn't, obviously."

Castiel removed himself from Dean's grip and sat down on the nearest chair. He stared at his feet.

"Gloria said that they spent the day together yesterday. He seemed really distant and told her that he loved her constantly," Castiel stood up. "I'm going to go sit in my room, if that is alright."

"Yes, yes, sure, Cas."

As soon as Castiel was upstairs Sam asked, "Who's Jimmy?"  
"He's Cas' friend. They met in hospital. I think Jimmy would have really liked you, Sam."

* * *

"I just spoke to Gloria," Castiel said to Dean a day later, "and she says that the funeral is on Tuesday. You're welcome to come."

"Okay, sure. Jimmy was a great guy. But what I don't get is, he always seemed so happy? I mean, if somebody is smiling and laughing all the time why would they do this?"

"Smiling people aren't always happy. Jimmy probably didn't want anybody to worry about him. But that's never going to happen. We all worried about him. Did you know that this was his sixth suicide attempt? He was fifteen the first time but he never told his family about it. And then he was sixteen for his second attempt, exactly one year later. It failed again, obviously. Then he left home when he was seventeen and three months. He tried to jump off a bridge on his sixth day on the streets but somebody saw him and held onto his arm so he couldn't jump. It was just a random person but they waited with him for two whole hours. Isn't that amazing? A complete stranger giving up their time to help a kid on the streets when his own family wouldn't. Two months later Jimmy tried to overdose, his stomach was pumped. Then he met Gloria and he didn't try for a year and a half. And then he tried to poison himself in September last year and tried to OD in December. That's why he was in the hospital. He was really determined, I guess. He's probably happy now," Castiel gave a weak smile as Dean patted him on the back.

"I'm sure he is."

"I mean, he wanted this. He didn't get much of what he wanted in his life but he got this and we should be happy for him, I guess."

* * *

Two days later it was time for Jimmy's funeral. Castiel and Dean took the day off school and, after dropping Sam at school, changed into their suits and drove to the small funeral home it would be at. Not many people were to be attending; only Jimmy's friends and sister. Jimmy's sister, Amelia, was the only person in his family who spoke to him after his father kicked him out. He left all of his belongings to her and all his money to Gloria. He had written a will a few years earlier, before his fourth suicide attempt. He didn't know Gloria then, of course, but she was added later.

So, Dean and Castiel walked in and sat beside Grace, Rachel and Balthazar. Gloria and Amelia spoke about Jimmy's life and St. Jimmy played, as Jimmy had requested.

Just before she left, Gloria walked up to Jimmy's coffin and just stared at it.  
"He's gone," she muttered. "He left me here. He left me here all alone. And I love you so much, Jimmy. Why did you have to go? You deserved to be saved, you _deserve _to be saved. How could you do this to me, Jimmy? How could you leave me all alone?" Gloria couldn't take it anymore. The air felt so stuffy, she had to get out. "Goodbye, Jimmy. I'll always love you," she smiled sadly at the coffin and rushed outside.

Gloria sat on a street corner and pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket. Jimmy's suicide note. He sent it as a letter to her the day he died. It arrived the day before the funeral. Gloria read over it.

* * *

_Gloria,_

_I have so much to tell you and no way to say it. Please, just don't blame yourself. You did so much for me and I am so sorry that I never repaid you for that. All I did was stick a bullet through my skull and write a letter._

_You deserve so much more. You deserve to have a happy family and a home to go to. You deserve to be loved by someone who could do a better job than me. And, no matter how many times you disagreed, you deserve to recover and live a normal life. I love you, Gloria. You saved me. You saved me a million times._

_But this was inevitable; I was dead long before we met. I love you and I will always love you. I want to say it a million times. I want to scream it from the rooftops._

_I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU. Please don't ever forget that._

_You were the best thing that ever happened to me. After the stuff with my dad, you were my saving grace. I would have been in my grave years ago if it weren't for you. I love you so much, Gloria._

_I remember the first time I ever felt suicidal. I was already desperately unhappy but I had never really considered ending it. But one day I thought, "Imagine how nice it would be to die? To end it all. To be at peace."_

_When I met you I stopped feeling the pain. For a bit, at least. But then it got worse. It outweighed the hope you gave me. And no matter how many times I wish I could stay and help you, I just can't. I can't live with those memories. I can't live with those feelings. I am sorry Gloria, I'm weak, I know. I just couldn't do it._

_The first time I ever saw you, you looking after little Ben and crying. He was only four or five. You were sitting on a street corner with tears streaming down your face. I didn't approach you or say anything. I just sat and watched and thought to myself "Why would anybody hurt a girl like that? She is so beautiful. So pure. So innocent. Why would anybody take that innocence away and replace it with pain?" You were obviously going through a hard time but you still cared for your little brother. I am kind of disgusted at myself for keeping you all to myself for those years. I never told you that I saw you then. When we met for the first time the next day I didn't bring it up and I'm sorry for never asking about it. I should have done more. I am so sorry, Gloria._

_Remembering when I first saw you has helped me realise how similar we are. We are just two kids who had to grow up too fast._

_This may be the end of my life but it is just the beginning, for both of us._

_Yours forever, Jimmy._

* * *

She began to wipe furiously at her eyes. She read over the final sentence once more. '_It is just the beginning." _Jimmy was right. It wasn't the end. Their love didn't suddenly stop because Jimmy died. She would always love Jimmy, and he would always love her because love doesn't have a use-by date. Love is infinite.


	11. The Family Business

_I am sorry that my update took so long._

* * *

**ELEVEN  
THE FAMILY BUSINESS**

* * *

Sam, Dean and Castiel sat playing monopoly one Saturday, a week and a half after Jimmy's funeral. It had become a sort of tradition that every Saturday afternoon they'd play a game. Risk and poker had featured in previous weeks. Dean only had a few hundred dollars left and a lot of mortgaged property, Cas had a lot of money but only a couple streets and Sam owned a small empire.

Sam held the dice in his fist. He shook them and dropped them onto the board. The dice rolled and landed on 3 and 6.

"Nine! And…Leicester Square! I'll buy that and complete my yellow collection. I'd also like to put two houses on this set, Cas."

Castiel nodded and, after receiving the money from Sam, handed him six little green houses. Sam placed them out on his properties and handed the dice to Dean.

Dean rolled them and landed on 6 and 5.

"Eleven. Oh, shit. I've landed on Coventry Street."

Sam laughed. "$330. Pay up, Dean-o."

"Dean-o? Where the fuck did that come from?" Dean asked as he handed over the last of his money.

"I felt it in my soul," Sam sarcastically clutched his chest and stared at Dean with the most endearing expression he could muster.

"I'm going to the kitchen since I am out of this stupid game."

"You didn't think it was so stupid when you were playing."

"That is true, Dean," Castiel interjected. "You seemed to enjoy it."

"Whatever, do you guys want anything?"

"No. Thank you, though," Castiel replied.

"Uh, yeah. Nothing for me either," Sam answered distractedly.

Dean stood up from where they were sitting on the living room floor. He stretched his arms above his head and as he did this his shirt rose to reveal his stomach and if Cas stared at the strip of skinshowing, Dean didn't notice.

Dean walked into the kitchen and pulled out some bread. He began to make a sandwich but was interrupted when he heard a knock on the door. Dean ceased his sandwich creating and went to answer it.

He opened the door to reveal a scruffy man with short, greying hair. He stood about a head shorter than Dean and looked up with hopeful eyes.

"Does Castiel Novak live here?"

"Uh, yeah. Who's asking?"

"Can you please get him? This is important," he fidgeted nervously.

"Alright, um, just a second," Dean walked into the living room. "Cas, there's a guy at the door for you."

Cas stood up and walked to the door, Dean close behind him.

"Castiel," the man breathed out and smiled.

Cas' jaw almost hit the ground. He began shaking his head. "No, no, no. This isn't happening," Castiel pinched his arm.

"This is not a dream, Castiel. I heard what happened and had to come and speak with you."

Castiel continued shaking his head. "No. You aren't here, you can't be."

"What's going on, Cas?" Dean asked, putting a hand on Castiel's shoulder.

"Dean, this is my father."  
"What? But I thought your dad died?"

"As did I. I was obviously mistaken. But, Father, why are you coming back after all this time? Why did you leave? WHAT IS HAPPENING?" Castiel buried his face in his hands.

Castiel's father placed a hand on Castiel's back and rubbed circles. "It's okay, Castiel. Relax. Do you want to go get something to eat so we can talk about this?"

Castiel nodded. "Let me just get my coat." Castiel walked back into the house.

Castiel's father stuck out a hand to Dean. "Charles Novak. You can call me Charlie or Chuck or Charles or Mr Novak; whatever you want, really."

Castiel returned wearing a trench coat and holding a tie. Cas threaded the tie around his collar and did it up rather poorly.

Dean shook his head at this. "Ugh, just let me do it." He did up the last button on Castiel's shirt and tightened his tie.

"Thank you, Dean," Castiel fidgeted awkwardly. "I don't know when I shall return but I hope it is not too late, though. Um, I'll see you and Sam later," he smiled. "Let's go father."

Charles gave Dean a small smile and followed Cas. Dean closed the door behind them and looked over at Sam.

"Man that was weird."

Sam laughed. "You can play as Castiel."

"What?"

"Monopoly, you can play as him. Keep up, dude."

* * *

Castiel sat looking across at his father. The air was so tense it could be cut with a knife. There was only one thing Castiel wanted to ask.

"Why did you leave us?"

"It's, uh-"

"Don't you dare say it's complicated."

Charles wrung his hands. "I wasn't going to say that but, um, it's hard to explain. I just- I couldn't live there anymore. Um. Your mother, I love her, but, um, I couldn't do it, Castiel. You of all people must understand. I wanted to stay. I tried to stay. But, I just couldn't," he buried his face in his hands, "I am so sorry for leaving you, Castiel. I am a horrible father. I love you. I love all of you. But I just couldn't do it."

"H-How did you know about, um, me and, uh-"

"Your hospital visit?" Charles chuckled nervously. "I called your mother. I called her every month. On the second Saturday. She refused to tell you that I was alive. She thought you'd think less of her. She was always so egotistical but I loved her for it. And it sucked to hear about all the stuff happening to my babies but I just couldn't come back," he covered his face and whispered. "When I was there, I…I was going to kill myself. I had to leave and not come back. But when I heard about you having to go through the same stuff as I did it nearly killed me. I let this happen. If I'd just stayed and protected you it would have been okay. I would have been able to help but instead I was selfish and my baby boy nearly died. I am so sorry, Castiel."

"Father. I– uh– I don't know what to say to you because, um, how could you leave me? How could you leave us?" Castiel's voice could hardly be heard. It was just a mix of panic and sadness. "I just…Father. I needed you. We all needed you. We _need _you. How could you- I mean, I understand why you left. I lord do I understand it. But I don't want to. I want to get angry with you and tell you that you were being selfish and I want to hit you and I want to scream and I want to feel something but I can't and I don't. And what you did won't win you any Father of the Year awards but I feel like if I were a dad I'd probably do the same thing and that's what sucks the most."

"Castiel, my baby boy. I feel like such a massive dick for leaving you for so long. I just swore in front of you and I shouldn't have. Your mother would have my head on a plate if she knew. But, Castiel, please don't think for even a second that I left because of you. I love you, Castiel. You're my son. I'm your father. And I know that I haven't always been but if you let me, I'll start now. I'll do anything. Castiel, you need to let me help. I love you. Your mother loves you. Anna loves you. Gabriel loves you. Michael loves you. Lucifer loves you. Raphael loves you. We love you so much and I don't want to see you in any more pain."

"You said that Gabriel loves me. Don't you mean _loved_?"

"He still loves you, Castiel. He has never stopped loving his baby brother. He will never stop loving his baby brother. Just like we will never stop loving him. Just like we will never stop loving or helping or caring for you. We're here for you, Castiel. Don't ever forget that."

* * *

Cas arrived home at 9pm. It was as though he was in a daze. He entered the living room and looked from side to side as if he were lost. Dean rushed over to him with Sam trailing behind.

"How was it, Cas? What did he say? What's going on?"

"I feel a bit tired. I am going to sleep now, if that is okay? I'll tell you about my father in the morning," Castiel was upstairs before anyone could respond; he needed to be alone with his thoughts.

* * *

"I just don't get how a dad can leave their family," Dean whispered to Sam when Castiel was in the bathroom after explaining what he learnt the day before to them.

"Dad left us all the time."

"No, he-"

"Dean. He left us. He always came back but he left us. He left us time and time again."

"He had to work, Sam."

"He didn't have to work _like that_. He could have got a proper job and we wouldn't have had to lie to everyone about what our dad did and say he worked 'odd jobs' across the country. We could have lived in a house and stayed at the same school! We could have been a real family!"

"We were a real family, Sammy! We _are_ a real family_. _We didn't need a home or a heap of friends! We had each other. The three of us against the world. That's how it's always been. That's how it'll always be."

"Except now it's two of us because he angered the wrong fucking guy and got himself killed."

"Don't swear, Sammy. And we have no proof th-"

"Can the bullshit, Dean. We know that the crash was no accident. This would have never happened if he just got a regular job and let us lead normal lives," Sam sobbed.

Dean hugged Sam and rubbed his back, trying to calm him. "It's okay, Sammy. Relax. It's okay. It's always going to be okay. I'm here. I've got you."

* * *

Dean was sitting in his bedroom procrastinating that night. He should have been studying. Sam told him over and over again how important studying and homework was. So Dean would pretend to agree, say he was going to go do some work and end up just sitting in his room reading a magazine.

There was a gentle knock on the door. Dean spun around in his chair and hunched over his books.

"Come in," he called.

Castiel entered the room and smiled. "I just, uh, I wanted to say something to you."

"What is it, Cas?"

Castiel walked over and sat down on Dean's bed. "I just, I wanted to say…um…before, it was really hard to, um…I couldn't…You know, you sit there and you think everything's okay and that your problems are small and that you'll be fine but when you finally think for a second you realise that all of a sudden your little anxieties aren't so little and that everything's not okay and you won't be fine because everything's going to shit around you and your world is collapsing in on itself. And you wonder why nobody else is freaking out and how they all manage to keep so calm. And then you realise that the problem is you. Everyone else can handle it but _you_. You're pathetic.

"And it consumes you. It takes over your life. And sometimes you space out for a bit because you are just worrying about what the next day will bring. And people notice that you aren't paying attention and that this has been happening a lot so they ask the oh-so-cliché question, 'Are you okay?' But you know that they don't mean it and that they are just asking if you have a fever or if you are preoccupied thinking about some homework due in tomorrow so you lie and say, 'I'm fine.' And the line has been used so many times that you wonder why nobody else has caught onto the fact that when people say that they're fine, they're generally not. But nobody says anything. Nobody ever says anything. So you nod. 'Everything's fine.' And you pull down your sleeves and smile just a little bit wider because you don't want them to worry about you. Everybody has problems, you see. You aren't special just because you want to die. Everyone wants to die. Well, that's what you think.

"So you don't tell anybody because you don't want to be a burden and also you know that if you tell someone they'll probably tell someone else and on and on and on and people will be talking about your issues and that's all you'll become. That kid who can't keep it together. And nobody will care about _you_. These diseases may live inside us but they do not dictate who we are. We decide who we are. We don't want other people creating us in their minds so we don't tell anyone. We just push through.

"And on and on and on it goes. And your world keeps cracking. And you can't take the strain anymore. And then you snap. And everyone is confused because you always seemed so happy but you don't know how people could think that, you can't even remember what happiness feels like. Joy is a distant memory. You just want to feel something but you can't try for happiness because if you fail you'll just be filled with sadness instead of the empty feeling you've come accustomed to.

"So I wanted to thank you, Dean, for helping me feel again."

Dean sat staring at Castiel. He realised that his mouth was hanging open so he promptly closed it.

"Thank you, Cas. But it wasn't me. It was all you. You're stronger than I'll ever be. You did it all by yourself."

They sat there staring at each other for a few seconds. Cas swore there was a moment there and Dean would too, with a little prompting. The more Cas stared at Dean's mouth, the way it formed around words, the way it turned up at the corners when he smiled, the more he was drawn to it. Castiel closed his eyes and leaned forward, kissing Dean gently. He opened his eyes after a few seconds to see Dean staring back with a shocked expression. Castiel pulled away and stared at his feet.

"Cas…" Dean started, looking worried.


	12. Brutal Love

_Sorry I took so long to update, I have been having trouble posting here. There will only be one or two more chapters._

* * *

**TWELVE  
BRUTAL LOVE**

* * *

"Cas…" Dean started, looking worried. "What the fuck, man?"  
"I'm so sorry, I-"  
"I think there may have been some, uh, crossed wires... You're great, um, but, I… I'm not…. I mean if I were I would, um…. I mean I like you but not in, uh, _that_ way. Sorry if you thought, um. But dude you can't just…I mean, you can, but…yeah, don't. Well, do…um."

"I understand. I thought there was something, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it and I am so sorry and I have no idea what came over me and I hope you can forgi-,"

"It's all cool, man. Yeah, um, sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," Castiel gave an awkward smile and left the room.

Castiel closed the door behind him and walked to the spare room which he had been sleeping in. As soon as the door shut he slumped against it and held his head in his hands.  
"_Why did you do it?" _he thought to himself. "_Why? Why? Why? You're such a fucking idiot how could you ever think he'd ever feel anything for you? He probably doesn't even like you; he only tolerates you because it makes him look fucking grand by comparison. And he is fucking grand. He's strong and smart and beautiful and special. He's a hundred things you're not. Just stop trying, you pathetic little shit. How could you be so fucking stupid? You're such an idiot. I'm ashamed to be you. Fuck, life would be so much fucking easier if you were normal. But you aren't. You can't do anything fucking right. You can't even have a normal fucking friendship without bloody kissing everyone. You're such a dumb fuck. Why? Why? Why?"_

Castiel's head was swimming. He stood up on shaky legs and rooted through the drawer of his bedside table. After a few seconds he found what he was looking for, his salvation. Castiel sat on the floor. He rolled up his sleeve and drew the blade across the centre of his forearm. He grabbed a few tissues and sopped up the blood. He turned his wrist to the side and pressed the corner of the razor into it. He pulled it down in one quick motion. The skin broke easily and the blood came out of the line in little drops. He repeated this motion over and over again and felt the words fade away. His breathing steadied and his body relaxed.

After a few minutes he wiped the blood off the blade with his pant leg and dropped it back into the drawer. He opened his door and looked to see if there was anybody in the hallway. The coast was clear so he rushed to the bathroom. He turned the tap on and looked in the mirror. His face was covered in smudged tears. He wiped them away with his right hand. Cas' sleeve had fallen down so he pushed it back up with his bloodied hand. ran his arm under the water, washing the blood away. When his arm was clean and his cuts had stopped bleeding he dried his hand with a towel and left the bathroom. He entered his bedroom and noticed his blood covered clothes. He striped them off and put on fresh ones. Cas ran downstairs and put the clothes in the bin, he knew they were ruined and it's not like they were favourites. Castiel put some paper towel in the bin over the clothes just as Sam entered the kitchen.

"Hey," Sam greeted him.

Castiel sniffed. "Hello."

"Are you okay, dude?"

"Yeah, just a runny nose," Cas smiled.

"Okay, cool. Do you know where Dean is?"

"Is he still in his bedroom?"

"No, uh, I knocked and there was no answer."

"Well, I don't know, then."

Sam walked over to the window and noticed that the Impala was missing. "I think he's gone for a drive."

"Oh, I guess that explains it."

"Yeah."

They stood awkwardly in silence for a few seconds until Sam spoke up.

"Cas?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."  
"Uh, can you tell me, you know, what happened? Dean won't."

Cas' throat went dry. "What happened?" He squeaked. Did Sam know about the kiss? Who else did, then? Everyone in the town will probably find out about stupid bloody Castiel and how he desperately pines for guys at his school.

"Yeah, um, what happened when you were hospitalised and stuff. If you don't want to tell me you don't have to, it's totally up to you and I under-"

"It's fine, Sam." Cas was filled with relief, it wasn't about the kiss! "Um, my doctor said that anorexia is kind of something you're born with. As in, some people have a predisposition to be anorexic for birth. Not everyone who is like that will grow up and be anorexic, though. And then when it's like that you want to be skinny, you have to be skinny. And people call you a stick and insult you and act like there's something wrong with being thin and say you're skinny but you aren't and you just can't see yourself getting smaller. No matter how much you try, you aren't getting skinnier. And the world is crazy and everything is out of your control except for that. You need something to control, you can control that. So you refuse food and it feels good to say no because _you are in control_. But then you don't get leaner and it turns out that you aren't because no matter how hard you try you just can't get skinny. So it's like failing all the time because you can't do this and you can't do that and you can't do anything. And, uh, people made kind of made fun of me at school for being anorexic because it's 'girly' or something, I don't know. They teased me…_a lot_. I ended up having to leave the school and so I started at the same time as you and Dean.  
Also, depression isn't feeling really sad or anything. It's kind of just feeling nothing at all. Being numb. Everything hurts so much that nothing hurts and you just can't feel anything anymore. And not being sad anymore is good but it also means that you aren't happy. You're nothing. And it's so mind-numbingly horrible that you want to die because death is better.  
It all sucks a lot but I learnt that none of it was my fault and it isn't just going to end straight away and it still hasn't but it will, one day. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's some pretty heavy stuff and I understand Dean thinking you're too young to know and wanting to respect my privacy but I think you're a mature young man and I want you to know. We're friends, right, Sam?"

"Right. That must have been, uh, tough, man. You're really strong. You said it's still going on so if you want to talk about it, I'm here. I'm not a little kid like Dean says; I'm going to be 16 soon. I know he's not really one to talk to about shit so, yeah, come to me if you need to."

"Mind your language and thank you, Sam. I might take you up on that offer."

Sam smiled and went to leave but Castiel had an idea and stopped him. Just because Dean didn't tell Sam, it didn't mean that he couldn't know.

"Can _I_ ask _you_ something, now?"

"Sure," Sam said.

"I, uh, kissed Dean this afternoon and now I think he hates me because he's gone for a drive so he won't have to face me."

"I _knew_ there was something between you guys!"

"There isn't. He made sure to tell me."

"Did Dean freak out?"

"No but he didn't exactly declare his love."

"I don't think he's avoiding you, he's probably just gone for a normal drive."

"_Sam._"

"Okay, fine; he's avoiding you."

"What should I do? I can't live like this, pining over a guy I'll never get."

"I don't know, um, you could get a boyfriend?"

"That's actually a really great idea, Sam." Castiel smiled. "Now I just need to work out whom."

* * *

The next day Castiel dialled Balthazar's number to see if he was still interested in going out on a date.

"Hello?" he answered on the second ring.

"Hey, it's me."

"Cassie! Long time, no talk. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing well, what about you?"

"Can't complain. So, to what do I owe the pleasure of a call from you?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to, um, meet up sometime."

"For a play date?"

"Or, um, for a regular date."

"Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. Are you asking me out?"

"Maybe."

"If you turn that maybe into a yes I might just agree."

"Would you like to go on a proper date with me?"

"I'd love to, Cassie," he laughed.

"Would you like to go on that proper date tomorrow?"  
"Sure. Sooner rather than later, I'd say."

"Okay, um, I'll text you."

"I'll look forward to it," Balthazar laughed.

* * *

Balthazar honked his horn as he pulled into the Winchester's driveway. Castiel rushed out in an ironed dress shirt and trousers.

"What's he all dressed up for?" Dean asked Sam.

"He has a date."

"A date?"

"Yeah, didn't you know?"

"No, uh, he didn't tell me."

Dean looked at his feet for a second then squared his shoulders and walked upstairs without looking back.

* * *

Castiel and his father sat together at lunch a week later.

"So, Castiel, what's new?"

"I, um, have a boyfriend now. Well, we've only been out on two dates but I'd like to call him my boyfriend."

"A boyfriend? What's his name?"

"Balthazar."

"That's a beautiful name, son. Lovely. I have something to tell you."

"W-what is it?"

"I'm moving back in with your mother and sister. She has forgiven me. After all these years. She's a wonderful woman. You should join me, Castiel. We could be a family again. I know how hard for you it was living there but your mother loves you very much, she just has trouble showing it. Maybe it'll be easier if I'm there. Raphael, Michael and Lucifer only live a few blocks down but if Anna moves out like she's planning to it'll get awfully lonely, boy. Come, join us."

"Um-I don't know what to say. I, um, I-"

"You don't have to decide now, just remember that it's an option."

* * *

When Castiel arrived home Dean could tell something was bugging him. Things had been tense between them the first few days but they were starting to ease up.

"What's wrong, Cas?"

"Nothing's wrong. Um, my father is moving back in with Anna and my mother and he suggested I come to."

"A-Are you going to?"

"I don't know yet."

"Don't feel like you have to stay here to spare Sam and my feelings. Do whatever feels comfortable."

"Thank you."

* * *

Castiel thought about what his decision would be for days until he finally chose whether he'd stay or go. To come to this result he wrote out a list of the pros and cons of moving back to his family home. In the end the positives won and he announced to Sam and Dean that he'd be leaving in the next week. They both smiled and hugged him but he could tell that his decision was upsetting them. He felt strangely glad about that.

* * *

"Where are you going?" Sam asked.

"For a drive," Dean replied.

"How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know," Dean closed the door before Sam could ask anything else. He got into his car and drove to Oak Hill Cemetery. After walking through it for a few minutes he found what he was looking for. A large headstone over two plots read "Mary Winchester and John Winchester". He knelt down before it.

"Hey, Mum. Hello, Dad. It's been a while. Three months, actually. Dad, you've been gone for fifteen months now and we miss you every day. Life moving around with you was kind of shit but at least it was _with you_. I often imagine what it would be like if you were still around. We'd probably be avoiding the police in Oregon. But instead I am stuck here hopelessly in love with my best friend. Oh yeah, that's another new thing. He's getting better and he moved in and he kissed me and I rejected him and then he got a boyfriend and now he's moving out and I'm going to miss him so fucking much and he's so special. Why won't he realise it? I hope Balthazar, that's the dude he's seeing, realises. Life with you here would be crazy, Dad. But life with you, Mum, would be out of this world. We'd probably be living here, we'd have normal lives, I'd probably still know Cas but we wouldn't be friends because I'd have gone to the school for three years more than him and I'd just be a fucking douchebag. Sorry for swearing. Actually, I probably wouldn't even be at the school. I'd be in college or something. It would just be so different. Why the fuck did you have to go? We miss you both so much every day, every hour, every minute, every second. There is not a moment that we don't miss you. And it's harder, living back home again. I see memories of you every day. But it's more practical. So yeah, we're stuck in a house with ghosts of our pasts and futures that could-have-been. Aunt Kate's coming over in a few weeks so we'll probably come out here again. I didn't tell Sammy that I was coming today because I wanted to come alone but you'll see him next time, I promise. There will be a next time. There'll always be a next time. We'll never stop coming unless we're dead and even then we'll probably all be together in Heaven. So we'll never stop. We'll never forget you. See you later."


End file.
